Journal Entries

3:46 PM: The sticky quality of anger fucking pisses me off. There is a gravity to it. Like a black hole. It can be escaped prior to the event horizon, but it becomes impossible thereafter. And it becomes impossible to escape because I simply don’t want to. I believe it to be the only negative emotion with a positive feedback loop. In the past, when I became very jealous, I did not wish to become more jealous. I would grasp at any opportunity for relief….Continue Reading “January 2, 2023” →

4:03 PM: I will be more mindful of granting myself pardon for the things I do not think to do, but harshening the shame severity for the things I think to do and then don’t. I will need to keep this in mind while attempting to implement a bi-daily return to journaling. It was such an ingrained habit in the past that I did it while in the midst of a bender. However, I have strayed from the previously established neural pathway and it has…Continue Reading “January 1, 2023” →

9:19 AM: I will focus today on remaining unrushed. Elimination will likely be a viable strategy. 12:08 AM: I was largely successful in the task. I was certainly in no hurry to decline additional hours.

6:33 AM: Today I will focus on squelching anger where it arises, acknowledging that I chose every part of the day, including the extra hours of work and the lessened hours of sleep. 10:58 PM: My biggest obstacles today were the projection of how shitty I might feel in the future more so than any immediate inconvenience. I would project a sleep deficit and then a visceral sense of being slighted, I suppose by myself, would threaten my fragile tranquility.

10:06 AM: I am adept at violence in my dreams. Last night I dreamt that Josh and I were walking around a school that we were visiting for some reason. We were trying to find the weight room. After finding it, we assessed that there was a bench, but no squat rack. We were about to get stared when we heard faculty coming in. We had to sneak out or risk being caught where we were not supposed to be. While crossing the street outside…Continue Reading “November 8, 2017” →

9:03 AM: I reviewed my goals for the month of November. As of right now, I seem to have had, and I project to have, the most difficulty in creating space within the day. It is a worthwhile pursuit and it would likely benefit me to start treating it as such. 12:01 AM: I was in a hurry today. I had made my coffee and got sidetracked just after I finished. When I walked back to the counter, I poured my freshly brewed black bliss…Continue Reading “November 7, 2017” →

10:36 AM: We went to Texas for the weekend. And the act of going does not feel surreal so much as having the ability to do so. I clearly recall the conversation with Mike and Julie at TJ’s over dinner. I remember wondering if we would actually be able to afford the plane tickets, or how badly it would hurt financially even if we could. I remember thinking it was crazy to even be able to imagine it as a possibility, as prior to that,…Continue Reading “November 6, 2017” →

6:43 AM (Houston, TX): There are stirrings to jump right into as much industry as possible as soon I return home out of the same perverse sense of self-martyrdom. I will guard against this. I will keep close the following notions: don’t complain, don’t rush, deliberate happiness, squelch shenpa. 11:58 PM (Wheeling, WV): It’s been a good day.

12:35 PM (Houston, TX): I awoke this morning irritated and slightly jaded that expedited morning relations were not in order. The old neural pathways started taking me down the rabbit hole of spite ridden fantasies, but I was able to cease and desist. I feel the better for it without a doubt. Today is Mike Simon’s wedding. I am a groomsman. Today will focus simply on being present. 1:31 AM: I had a multitude of opportunities to let self-disserving martyrdom drive a wedge between myself…Continue Reading “November 4, 2017” →

2:25 PM (Houston, TX): Made it to Houston without completely losing my shit, though I had a few close calls. More than once I demonstrated the ability to revert to reason. It’s kind of fucked. 11:26 PM: Again and again, through the fatigue fueled embers of reactivity, reason prevailed.

8:56 AM: Today I will fight the good fight against anger. I woke up angry. I about lost my shit multiple times in the hour I’ve been awake. I am angry as I write this. I am not certain if it is strictly a side-effect of a sleep deficit, or if I am projecting a sleep deficit over the next few days, or if I am unhinged because I woke up hours earlier than I intended and it will still be difficult to work everything…Continue Reading “November 2, 2017” →

11:45 AM: In October, I created goals 25 out of 31 days. For the mind category, I achieved 92% of them, missing the mark on two. Ironically, one of the two missed was yesterday’s goal review of October’s goals, which is what I am doing now. The other was a day in which I most definitely complained. For the overarching monthly goals, I did not even attempt to find a worthwhile continued education course. I did not make a goal to do so on any…Continue Reading “November 1, 2017” →

8:27 AM: I am headed into Mound View early so that I’ll have time to lift, roll, see my home health patients, go to the store, and make it back in time to pass out candy and then take the girls to the penitentiary. Fairly far removed from last Halloween. Today I will reflect on who could be showing up for today. Hopefully, this will encourage me to go easy on myself when I assess October’s goals.

12:00 PM: It is interesting the way anger tends to feed itself. And there is a perverse sense of satisfaction in the whole thing. I was mildly irritated yesterday when our plans had changed because of Suzi’s work. I was a little more irritated when she got home and did not want to go to Kroger because she was tired and it was cold outside. I would have went to Kroger directly after lifting, but was waiting to go with her. Because she asked me…Continue Reading “October 30, 2017” →

12:53 PM: I did well last night in deliberately choosing happiness and preventing rather than mitigating regret and jealously. It would sound odd to most that I endeavored this while at a local show with friends, but most would underestimate my capability and capacity to ruin any good thing. While going to see local bands will probably never be my first choice of things to do (I cannot hear the people I run into who wish to catch up and even the bands I like…Continue Reading “October 29, 2017” →

1:01 PM: When I look back on the past with regret, I will be grateful that I am no longer the person who did the regrettable thing.

11:04 AM: Jealously is fueled volitionally through thoughts and actions and its flames are more easily prevented than extinguished.

11:25 AM: Happiness is a deliberate endeavor. I will live this day with this in mind.

11:07 AM: Where I failed Saturday, I made an honest effort Sunday. In the past, I may have spitefully let the (one-sided) argument draw out as long as possible. I’d have not spoken to Suzi for days if not a week. Instead, I took her out to dinner and watched the walking dead . Plus we banged, which was pretty cool. When she came home, I showed her the things I did around the house that I thought would make her happy. I told her…Continue Reading “October 23, 2017” →

10:29 AM: Don’t think I did so hot.

10:52 AM: Today I will focus on using reason to mitigate maladaptive emotional responses.

10:13 AM: I turned down a fair amount of hours over the weekend so that I could have two days off, minus working for Stratuswave. I am still not sure exactly how I feel about that.

10:30 AM: I worked a lot yesterday and accomplished little else.

10:33 AM: I was angry last night. I only barely kept from losing my shit over and over. I kept telling myself to just make it to bed, that I needed sleep. I just woke up. I’m already angry.

9:13 AM: Today is my first day without taking a caffeine pill upon waking in so long as I can recall. I have been periodically pondering stopping nearly all supplements as they run out, with the exception of fish oil, creatine, and BCAA’s. However, I also worry that changing too much as my year nears and passes puts my sobriety in a precarious position. The rest of 2017, November and December, would have possibly been difficult if I had not just thought of how much…Continue Reading “October 17, 2017” →

11:33 AM: I have reviewed the month to date and the theme of persistent overwhelm from taking on too many hours is glaring. Today I will focus on getting to bed at 11. 10:27 PM: Today I am grateful that I was able to make it to jiujitsu, even if forty minutes late, and when I jokingly asked Justin to take it from the top and review everything I missed, he actually did. I am grateful that I got some good rounds in. I am…Continue Reading “October 16, 2017” →

11:58 PM: Doing well on October goals overall; however, the house is still the most neglected category. It is difficult to keep blocks of time for the house when it is competing against making money and spending time with family and friends.

10:17 AM: I keep doing it.

9:51 AM: It was after 3 AM before I even tried to sleep last night and I had a difficult time with it thereafter. For the first time in as long as I can recall, I laid there stressed about the following day. Wondering how I would fit everything in while getting more than two or three hours of sleep. Jiujitsu is pretty much a guaranteed no go and I’m not sure I will be done in time to go to the haunted house with…Continue Reading “October 13, 2017” →

October 12, 2017 10:28 AM: I’ve packed my day so full that I was immediately angry when I opened my eyes. Just taking a minute or two to write this will potentially set me back several minutes tonight. By taking hours at Belmont, I have also left myself with about zero minutes to work on the house. On a positive note, I had dream that left me with a potential story, should I ever decide to write one. It would be about a set of…Continue Reading “October 12, 2017” →

10:40 AM: I will not spend the allotted four hours on the house today as I took on additional hours of work. I may or may not be able to make up the hours through the week. The best I can figure, either I should more stubbornly defend these time allotments or I can accept the compromise to make more money while it’s available, especially as I am still getting a good amount done. Yesterday I am grateful that I all went well with my…Continue Reading “October 10, 2017” →

10:14 AM: Eating Uncle Bunk’s mustard relish and salsa reminds me of my final days of drinking. I was drinking a combination of whiskey and vodka. Suzi still worked nights, so I would sit downstairs on the couch, eating completely random combinations of things, watching Preacher and the Caribbean Life. The taste offers a subtle wave of both nausea and nostalgic romanticism.

11:36 PM: I did not spend the allotted six hours in the back bedroom today. Instead I completed my home health paperwork and spent time with Suzi and her family. Ultimately, I neglected a few things at the end of the week because I took on extra hours at Mound View both Friday and Saturday. It is worth noting that the back bedroom is mostly cleared, the roof is no longer leaking, I spent a lot of time with family and friends, the only days…Continue Reading “October 8, 2017” →

6:54 AM: Will focus on face fucking the most happy out of the day that I possibly can.

8:36 AM: There is an undercurrent of overwhelm, that I seem to be in a habit of seeking out, threatening to send me into a fit of childish rage at any moment. I will be mindful of this today. Perhaps I can identify a source.

9:08 AM: I awoke a little after 8 AM today without an alarm. Today will be the first of, hopefully many, house heavy days. [days in which I focus on attending to the squalor coffin I call home]

11:22 AM: Even though I got to bed a bit later, I awoke this morning a little before 9:30 without an alarm. When I sat up and opened my eyes, I was certain Pepe was dead. He was lying on his side at the bottom corner of the tank, not even gasping, looking much the way Vlad did when he passed. I frowned and began contemplating the post mortem procedures. As I got up and walked toward the tank, he stirred, just a little. I…Continue Reading “October 4, 2017” →

9:29 AM: Today I awoke at 8:10 AM without an alarm. This is progress. Today it will be difficult to create any significant temporal space as I have three home health visits, lifting, jiujitsu, facilitating the SMART meeting, and hanging out with Josh and Jonathan. However, everything is not scheduled so tight that there would be a need to feel rushed even if I was not deliberately focusing on rushed’s opposite. I will focus today on simply remaining present. And perhaps write a little about…Continue Reading “October 3, 2017” →

10:07 AM: I woke up at 9:15 without an alarm. This is progress. My focus for the day will be creating temporal space. This likely means bumping lifting to tomorrow so that I have more time to address whatever is going on with my hamstring prior. I got a lot done yesterday. But hurriedly making my bedtime tea so that I can jump into bed as close to 11 pm as possible as if I’m barely making some punctually underscored appointment, is probably not conducive…Continue Reading “October 2, 2017” →

9:46 AM: I believe I would fare better to serve fewer masters. I have gotten into the habit of creating a single daily goal for each category, which is an improvement upon the prior self-inflicted overwhelm; however, I often still spread myself thin, with ten-minute goals in each area. I have mentioned before, and it is my good intention to implement now, the habit of a single active goal per day, blocking off an effective block of time and ruthlessly defending it (e.g., 4 hours…Continue Reading “October 1, 2017” →

11:17 AM: My dreams have been kind of fucked. I wonder if it’s a reflection of my overall sense of well-being.

11:49 AM: I knew when I took on the additional hours covering a facility that I would be focusing on money at the neglect of all other goals; however, it bears explicit recognition after the fact. I have missed several days of journaling, even though I had something worth saying. I’ve not even considered what to do with the blog, I have not made it to jiujitsu, I have short-changed warm-ups and mobility work to some degree, I have allowed a sleep deficit (even if…Continue Reading “September 29, 2017” →

10:35 AM: Still worth it. I intend to reflect more this evening on the regret by omission vs. regret by commission.

7:48 AM: Tonight I will see Obituary and Exodus in Columbus. I have arranged my entire week around it, sacrificing two nights sleep and two days of jiujitsu in the process. As the sleep deficit begins to invite ire, I would do well to remind myself that I chose this and did so for good reason. 3:06 AM: Worth it.

12:03 PM: As a year of sobriety draws near, I can sense subtle stirrings of the old daemon. Powerless at current, but patient and persistent, inevitably prevailing in the past. As it stands, this day, the probability of me succumbing to my succubus is near zero, regardless of the circumstance. Doing so would rob me of the somewhat arbitrary, but greatly desired one-year temporal target of sobriety that I am so close to. However, after that has passed, it is hard to tell where my…Continue Reading “September 26, 2017” →

12:51 PM: Damnit. I’m not sure why it’s taken me so many decades to figure out that waking up to an alarm that does not violently jar me from slumber is a lot less bad. Yesterday, I awoke to music from Deamon Souls. Unfortunately, I forgot to enable the alarm last night, so even though I went to bed around 1 am I did not wake up until noon. Or, rather, I’d woken up multiple times with a mild urge to urinate, but would stubbornly…Continue Reading “September 22, 2017” →

11:09 AM: The next few days and the majority of next week will be weighted heavily in making money. I will remain mindful and consider the implications of this, both positive and negative.

1:52 PM: I felt great yesterday and I believe I had about seven hours of sleep. The meeting went really well. Right or wrong, I was able to convey exactly what it was I sought to say without any introspective impediments. Today, I woke up at quarter ‘til one after sleeping for about ten hours and I’m already tired. I’ve been staring at the flashing cursor on the computer screen, fading in and out, as if I were trying to complete an essay I hadn’t…Continue Reading “September 20, 2017” →

11:34 AM: Reading good writing makes me question my inherent capability to produce the same.

1:54 PM: There is no denying the value of prioritizing sleep. All of the anger and depression in my adolescence and early adulthood …. I wonder how differently I’d have felt if I ate and slept well. With that said, perhaps it would behoove me to prioritize sleep on the front end. Maybe get to bed before six thirty in the morning. Just a suggestion to myself.

2:27 PM: I kept the lesson of regretting the things we neglect to do more so than the things we do do multiple times yesterday, and it is my sincere hope that I gouged deeper a neural groove and reinforced the behavior in doing so. Yesterday, I had so many opportunities to fuck myself right up and the internal deliberation and struggle were real. I had almost decided not to go the Dead Milkmen concert, partly out of sloth, partly out of spite, though I’m…Continue Reading “September 17, 2017” →

12:13 PM: Something I have done, or not done, has stirred the embers of positive ambition. I would like to identify that thing and attempt to replicate it as needed. Perhaps, it is the simple satisfaction of crossing everything off my daily goals list a few days in a row. Or perhaps actually making some progress on our squalor coffin, no matter how small, has motivated me. Or perhaps having Tuesday and Thursday absent of patients has been restorative. Or perhaps committing to a lifting…Continue Reading “September 15, 2017” →

11:28 AM: I dreamt of substantial and sustained violence upon inanimate objects last night. In the dream, I was angry that sex was imminent and then unrealized. So I began breaking all of the things. I was swinging various electronic devices by the cords to smash them into the floor. I remember that I specifically wanted whatever I was breaking to be loud enough that the sound would impose itself upon Suzi, who had gone downstairs after the sex did not happen. However, as in…Continue Reading “September 14, 2017” →

12:02 PM: The meeting last night went fine. It went fine as a meeting; however, the difficulty I have been having with spontaneous and precise articulation was well underscored. In the moment, I was able to recognize the fact and also let go of the notion that it is imperative that I be on point at all times. Or rather, that it is no profound loss if I am not. Still, I can’t help but go down the symptom of a worst-case scenario rabbit hole,…Continue Reading “September 13, 2017” →

11:24 AM: I gots a twinge of nerves regarding facilitating tonight’s SMART meeting. I’m not sure why. There’s a very good chance that it will be just Tom, Minty, and I. It’s the first time I’ve felt a hint of butterflies in a long while, so far as I can recall. I will attempt to embrace it, as at least it is a good sign that I am not completely dead inside.

11:58 AM: I still feel dirty inside. As if I’ve been caught cheating on something or called out on a lie. I feel uncomfortable in my skin and I’m not sure why. Perhaps I’ve been overreaching and unrealistic in goal setting and simply leaving some things unmet has left me feeling like a failure. Or perhaps, attempting to address all domains each day has made it difficult, if not impossible, to make any real progress in a single domain. Perhaps it’s because we still live…Continue Reading “September 11, 2017” →

9:02 PM: I am grateful that I managed to successfully juggle the all-day Graston CEU with tech support for Stratuswave. A lot of luck went into keeping those two in the air.

12:45 PM: I have done so once again. I have a lot of people to see for the time of day it is, with hopes to lift thereafter, and visit Justin and Liz thereafter that. I did not reflect upon this tendency last night and I’m not sure it would have changed anything if I had. To be fair to myself, I did explicitly tell Suzi that I intended to sleep as much as possible today, as I have to be up early tomorrow, and…Continue Reading “September 8, 2017” →

12:54 PM: I have put myself in a temporally precarious position. It is my good intention to reflect upon this at the end of the day.

11:55 AM: There is an underlying sense of shame that pervades my consciousness this morning. It is almost palpable, but I am unable to identify the source. I feel as if I’ve woken up after a binge or a temper tantrum, but I have not drank and I kept my shit together last night, in spite of nearly losing it multiple times. I am also unable to identify the source of last night’s anger. I did not have a great night at the gym, which…Continue Reading “September 6, 2017” →

10:13 AM: Finances, which includes, but is not limited to, or entirely dictated by, hours worked, is designated as the fourth priority in my life following mental health, physical health, and relationships. I have not been living as if that is the case. I am allowing myself to expend too much time and attention on a single aspect of a fourth tier priority. To be fair, I have not sacrificed sleep, which is the bedrock of every pursuit. I have also been unwilling to neglect…Continue Reading “September 5, 2017” →

6:52 AM: Waking up early is for the birds.

11:46 AM: I lost my shit last night over a can opener. After sitting down grind out paperwork for five hours or better, I felt as if I was letting life face fuck me instead of face fucking life. I decided I’d feel better after eating; however, in the process of preparing food, I was assaulted by multiple small annoyances. Each one, insignificant on its own, but each one escalating my volatility in small increments toward the temper tantrum threshold. I was holding my shit…Continue Reading “September 1, 2017” →

10:31 AM: I had my first inclination to steer my shopping cart right into the liquor section of the St. Clairsville Kroger in a long time. It was subtle, but undeniable. Ironically, it seems that I’ve thought more about drinking since attending my first SMART meeting in a few months. I’ve wondered if this line of thinking is a strategical rationalization in providing me a potential out …. Or if it’s simply that I typically don’t think about drinking anymore, unless I attend a meeting….Continue Reading “August 31, 2017” →

10:37 AM: I have exerted deliberate effort over extensive time establishing and addressing the things I value most. After several reiterations, my list became mental health, physical health, compassion / relationships, finances, and chores / house, in that order. After overwhelming myself with a laundry list of daily goals in each category, not that long ago, I decided instead to make a single daily goal for each category, prefaced by the question, “what is the one thing I can do that will make everything else…Continue Reading “August 30, 2017” →

9:40 AM: I am a selfish little prick. The fact would surprise most people, as I hide it well behind a thick curtain of apparent altruism. But the fact is, I am exceptionally egocentric. I present an adeptly constructed and well-maintained façade, but, even in the moment, I often wonder if helping others is motivated by a fundamental well-wishing or an impulse to avoid the guilt I know will come if I neglect to do the thing once I’ve thought of it. I am reflexively…Continue Reading “August 29, 2017” →

12:00 PM: I would like to allow myself more time for writing upon waking. I feel that my creative juices are most freely flowing first thing in the afternoon. Toward this end, it appears that I will either have to work less or wake up earlier. I am not fond of the sense of urgency I create with my current sleeping schedule. It is not lost on me that I have been writing about my aberrant sleeping schedule for a sad, absurd number of days…Continue Reading “August 28, 2017” →

10:20 AM: It is uncanny how jaded I am that I’ve woken up early that past several days and it has yet to have a positive impact. As if life owes me something for the effort. Seriously. When I find myself frustrated over this or that, I reflexively think, “but I woke up early today, wtf.” The thought is rarely a verbal one, as I tend to recognize the childishness, egocentricity, and absurdity of it before it has a chance to materialize from a feeling…Continue Reading “August 25, 2017” →

10:57 AM: I woke up earlier again today, but do not feel much ahead for the effort. At least not yet. I am currently in a purgatory state instrumented by shrodeingers schedule. I have made it a habit to not check my phone prior to meditating and journaling. Thus, as of this moment, I have no idea how many hours I have scheduled for Bellaire, thus I have no idea how the rest of my day will fall. Several days ago, I told Mark I…Continue Reading “August 24, 2017” →

10:30 AM: It is earlier. Today, I will focus on letting go and eliminating the unnecessary. At least insofar as additional tasks contribute to overwhelm since I am short on sleep and will likely feel like and act like a tired, cantankerous child. I have some ambivalence regarding my current streak of disregarding daily goals. The past few nights, I didn’t forget the goals. I remembered that I wrote down to at least log in to wealthfront, possibly open the account. I remembered, then said,…Continue Reading “August 23, 2017” →

12:38 PM: Over the last decade or so I’ve made an honest effort to distinguish both between pleasure and happiness and pain and suffering. I believe it would behoove me to also deliberately make the distinction between doing what I want and doing what I feel like doing. I’ve embraced “I do what I want” as an identity defining motto. I like it. It’s funny and I embrace the non-conformity, non-complacency, and continuous, cognizant prioritizing it represents. Today, I prioritized sleep above all else. I…Continue Reading “August 22, 2017” →

1:38 PM: I have seven patients to see today. Should have probably woken up earlier. Lol.

1:50 PM: I clung to rational demission when the first lab results returned with elevated lymphocytes and monocytes. Post-splenectomy blood can look like that. It can look like that forever. When the diagnosis finally returned with acute lymphoblastic leukemia, I was not surprised, but I was unprepared. While the blunt reality of the diagnosis did not feel unfair, the timing felt unjust. I was finally walking the path I’d struggled to find for decades. I was improving as a human being on all fronts, with…Continue Reading “August 20, 2017” →

1:53 PM: I am growing lax in evening journaling and tending to daily goals. There were a few goals left unmet in the past few days that would have been met had I bothered to glance at the list before calling it a night. High time to set that shit straight. In spite of being mostly empty and dead inside, I’ve noticed just the faintest of whispers from my deamon as of late. They are very subtle. I have to listen closely and they are…Continue Reading “August 18, 2017” →

12:16 PM: I still feel a little dead inside. And as if I’m largely a witness to the direction of my life, in spite of goal setting and journaling and all that jazz. It’s as if I exist in a perpetual state of emptiness that is built upon a foundation of non-participatory apathy. But I do shit in this state. Shit I deliberately and explicitly set out to do. I set said shit in motion and then step back and allow myself to be carried…Continue Reading “August 17, 2017” →

7:51 AM: Jesus knife-fucking christ. 11:50 PM: I’m not sure if I’m slipping or if I’m indulging a necessary reprieve.

10:30 AM: Waking up to an alarm is fucking jarring. Not sure why most people make a habit of it. Today I will focus on injecting hot fun into each and every situation. Even if grossly inappropriate. Especially if grossly inappropriate.

2:26 PM: I believe it will be of benefit to spend some time this evening establishing singular goals for the remainder of August. One for each category. I will begin by brainstorming and then combining, prioritizing, etc. until I identify the one that makes all the others easier or unnecessary. If, at the end of August, any goal is left unmet, I will either consider if the failure point was in the establishment or execution and how I may ensure success in the future or…Continue Reading “August 14, 2017” →

1:11 PM: Today I will be mindful of the anger I already feel welling up and begging for an explosive release. I will focus on letting go, face fucking the most fun out of the moment, and halting haste. 4:33 AM: Looking forward to that rage mitigating smoke tomorrow. [At this time, I was only smoking on Mondays – it was my designated smoking day.]

3:03 PM: Today I will solicit solitude to the best of my ability. It would be an interesting change of pace to truly indulge a day in which not one thing is rushed. Or, at least, in which the tendency is immediately squelched to the best of my ability. I can court productivity without urgency or haste.

12:55 PM: Today I will be cautious of the deamon of resent. I have nothing to be resentful of in particular, but that typically doesn’t seem to matter. The influence is subtle, but the results are definitive. It is easy to be enticed into the downward spiral of animosity and unconscious, yet deliberate ruination for the sake of spite-laden sadomasochistic satisfaction. 1:58 AM: I am grateful that I did not allow myself to succumb to the sweet siren song of spiteful self-ruination.

12:18 PM: I’m not sure how I managed to forget to make a second entry last night when I’d opened the folder to do so multiple times and even had the journal open at one point. Good practice in letting go, I suppose. Yesterday we discovered that Diablos is most definitely a female snake. I argued that the small orange balls were likely solid urea until we moved his, I mean her, hiding box and discovered larger, whiter, softer eggs. She’s not been around another…Continue Reading “August 10, 2017” →

12:02 PM: Today I will consider the discrepancy between anticipation-anxiety and action-anxiety and its implications moving forward. There has always been a tremendous imbalance toward anticipation, such as when preparing for a speech or a powerlifting meet, but I’ve noticed that the actual performance anxiety is all but gone, or at least was in a few select circumstances. When attempting to procure surfing lessons in Malibu, I was almost relieved when I struck out. The anticipation of attempting such a foreign task was mildly daunting….Continue Reading “August 9, 2017” →

12:37 PM: Today I will focus on actionable dread management. Do something [to address an issue] and then let go [of outcome]. 3:28 AM: Had a good day. Finished the largest section of the facilitator training, got in six consecutive rounds of jujitsu first day back, had an alright lifting session all considered, made all the necessary calls for a shoulder eval and blood work, reached out to Flowers (though he didn’t respond), got Josh an energy drink for his birthday, spent zero monies otherwise,…Continue Reading “August 8, 2017” →

3:46 PM: I don’t think I will eat Sheetz again. It has reliably caused a fair degree of gastric distress the following day. [I most definitely ate Sheetz again] I will continue to focus on letting go after addressing an issue to avoid overwhelm. The specific situation causing me the most discomfort, aside from last night’s Sheetz’ steak wrap and chicken salad, is whatever is going on with my left shoulder. My world tends to end at every little reminder: the weakness presents itself at…Continue Reading “August 7, 2017” →

12:21 PM: I anticipated a more dramatic transition phase in coming home. Thus far, it only feels surreal that I was surfing in Malibu a few days ago, not that I am home after two weeks away. And today it feels very odd that I do not have to go a facility or home health. It feels very odd to have the day off (though I’m working for Stratuswave) as if I haven’t missed a beat. I fell comfortably back into the deliberately established habits…Continue Reading “August 6, 2017” →

3:26 PM: Today I will focus on letting go every time I feel overwhelmed. I will remind myself that the feeling over overwhelm is self-created, self-perpetuated, and dictated entirely by mindset. External circumstances typically do not change between contentment and wish I were ded. It is my good intention to journal again this evening, reflecting upon how it feels to be back home and the implications of rigidity in daily goals. I completely forgot to make a second entry last night and the indecent has…Continue Reading “August 5, 2017” →

11:14 AM (Los Angeles): Last entry in California. Not much to say other than I am looking forward to going home. As I sit here now, on the other side of the country, my motivation is high regarding moving myself forward. Everything feeding into freedom. And surfing. I am also looking forward to personal space.

I will consider if a shift in motivation is necessary. Do I need to focus more directly on what makes me happy or am I already too selfish? Perhaps my selfless acts are simply masked self – (dis)serving, indulgent martyrdom. 3:14 AM (Los Angeles): This will be my last evening entry in California and on my two week hiatus. My next evening entry will be from home. I definitely have mixed feelings about it. I wasn’t really happier on vacation than at home. Perhaps less…Continue Reading “August 3, 2017” →

8:01 AM: (Los Angeles): Out of the gate it is apparent how imperative remaining patient will be this day. I will focus on using patience as an example for others, mediating and mitigating conflict, and letting go as necessary. 1:04 AM (Los Angeles): I need a fucking drink.

2:33 PM (Los Angeles): It is uncanny how my entire universe, via perspective that is dictated by hormone-driven phenomenological tumults, changed in the last half-hour. The rest of the day, and, up until a half-hour ago, in my mind, the rest of my life, was completely altered in one moment of release. I can only imagine the freedom in mastering such a state change strictly by internal methods, if such a thing is possible. [I was being a dopey little cunt for most of the…Continue Reading “August 1, 2017” →

2:02 PM: This will be my last day at Myrtle Beach. Possibly ever. I will focus on letting go as needed and staying present. I will also be mindful of the value of walking away wanting a little more rather than clinging so tightly to the terminal experience that it lessens the overall experience. 4:41 AM: I did well today. There were some things with Adora. Things that would frustrate any parent. She got upset when we went out to dinner and ended up not…Continue Reading “July 26, 2017” →

1:29 PM: Without fail and without exception it is my choice to invite suffering into my mind. It is my choice to destroy my universe by poisoning my perception. My poison of choice tends to be a combination of clinging and ridged idealism. The clinging may be what ultimately leads to the reduced frequency but inevitable temper tantrums. Before I punched the last wall I punched I had become angry over many minor annoyances. I tend to cling to all the little angers and allow…Continue Reading “July 25, 2017” →

4:15 AM (July 25): There is a palpable, impatient unease that comes with hedonistic indulgence and a calm, certain state of contentment that comes with discipline and reservation. I find myself uncomfortably distanced from the present when I flirt with the dismissive and permissive platitude and attitude of “I’m on vacation.” I only partially enjoy whatever indulgence while preemptively engaged in the next. I was most certainly more engaged with being disengaged last year, but I am most definitely not engaged with being engaged presently….Continue Reading “July 24, 2017” →

2:28 PM: I will exercise brevity in this entry as I have multiple people waiting for me to go down to the beach. I have been largely successful in mitigating, if not completely circumventing, ruination for the sake of spite. I will continue to keep in mind the sorry, sad piece of shit who could have been here, instead of the personification of patience who is. 4:04 AM: Not doing so hot.

8:05 AM: Things to reflect upon this evening. The delayed magic of the ocean That poor fuck who could have been here instead of me – negative visualization on the notion Autopilot disrupted as a positive Tigers, motherfuckers! Main focus of today is to consider the poor son of a bitch who could have been here at good moments and bad. 4:08 AM: We went to the Myrtle Beach Safari for the second time and it was fucking amazing. We got to hug Bubbles the…Continue Reading “July 22, 2017” →

10:23 PM First night at Myrtle Beach. Not only have I yet to ruin anything, but Suzi has commented multiple times on my uncharacteristic patience in spite of familial turmoil and being fairly deprived on sleep. I slept for three or so hours Wednesday to Thursday, worked all day Thursday, drove the entire way to Myrtle Beach, and then face fucked the most fun possible out of the day. Last year I created an alarm titled “Myrtle Beach Safari.” I’ve never deleted the alarm, but…Continue Reading “July 21, 2017” →

1:03 PM: Last night I patched the first infantile-tantrum-induced hole in a wall since I cannot remember when. The most unsettling aspect of the incident is that it was reminiscent of a time before there was space between that level of anger and action. A space I have deliberately created over many years. I have been angry for several days. The root cause is likely resent which was exacerbated by a lack of sleep. The final straw was that someone keeps taking away the dishcloth…Continue Reading “July 20, 2017” →

12:07 PM: The thought occurred to me that perhaps some flexibility in daily goals would be of benefit. If I come to the point in which sleep is encroached upon, whatever is left undone can be once moved to the following day. I will try this out. See how it goes. [Through much trial and error, I eventually found that being deliberate in writing most goals so that they could simply be accomplished on another day kept the process from creating more stress than it…Continue Reading “July 19, 2017” →

12:42 PM: I am in a sleepy and relaxed state. It is pleasant. My focus for the day will be to relinquish all fucks to the warm deliquesce of contentment, which leaves one in a far better state than dropping said fucks into the abyss of apathy.