12:02 PM: Today I will consider the discrepancy between anticipation-anxiety and action-anxiety and its implications moving forward. There has always been a tremendous imbalance toward anticipation, such as when preparing for a speech or a powerlifting meet, but I’ve noticed that the actual performance anxiety is all but gone, or at least was in a few select circumstances. When attempting to procure surfing lessons in Malibu, I was almost relieved when I struck out. The anticipation of attempting such a foreign task was mildly daunting. However, once I found Steve and had the board in the water, there was no anxiety or concern for how foolish I might look. When Suzi and I discussed the theme parks a few days out, I was moderately anxious regarding any coaster that simulated the free fall. I even went as far as to look up a few beforehand. However, when standing in line and when taking my seat, I was all but dead inside, as I’d detailed in a prior entry. In the same vein, I currently have anxiety regarding the implications of the current state of my shoulder and the weight loss. I worry that the former means I’ll never lift again and the latter is my first clinical indication of recurrent cancer. If either of these things come to pass, will I be as anxious in dealing with them as I am in considering them?
