11:28 AM: I dreamt of substantial and sustained violence upon inanimate objects last night. In the dream, I was angry that sex was imminent and then unrealized. So I began breaking all of the things.
I was swinging various electronic devices by the cords to smash them into the floor. I remember that I specifically wanted whatever I was breaking to be loud enough that the sound would impose itself upon Suzi, who had gone downstairs after the sex did not happen. However, as in dreams in which you are unable to run full speed, I was impotent in my efforts. I went downstairs to continue my onslaught upon all things unliving. Suzi was sitting calmly, tolerating my tantrum, rationalizing the benefit I perceived in random destruction. At one point I grabbed my ps3 and held it overhead. I had some hesitation before smashing it into the ground. I felt a pang of remorse even before the follow-through as I knew there was no stopping. The ps3 was only dented rather than obliterated and Suzi and I both agreed that I might as well take it outside and finish the job. Satan was there. I’m glad that he is still in my dreams, even if this one, the remorse and morose type dream, is the closest thing I have to nightmares, and that he was unafraid.
I woke up physically dry but drenched in shame. I was briefly grateful that it had all been but a dream before my mind began mining for memories of all the things I had to regret in reality. I remembered the day Adora, Alex, and Autumn kept jumping onto the air mattress. I was in the adjacent room, trying to sleep off a terrible hangover, and I’d asked them repeatedly to stop until I’d woken up. When they did not, I got out of bed, grabbed a knife, and put an end to the air mattress. I still remember how Adora waked into the other room before she burst into tears. I remember going to her and asking why she was crying. I had warned them repeatedly. She couldn’t have been more than six years old. I remember, even in the moment, thinking that in a childish rampage fueled by my budding alcoholism, I had broken my little girl’s heart, and this was going to haunt me forever.
