2:44 PM: I definitely feel that something has been amiss in my brief period of journaling neglect. I didn’t miss an entire week, as there are entries in google docs I still need to copy over. The entries are there, and not here, as I was waiting on my new hard drive to arrive. I was waiting for the new hard drive to arrive because I slammed my fist down on the corner of my computer, killing the previous drive, over frustration with a dysfunctional…Continue Reading “July 17, 2017”
Journal Entries
12:39 PM: I feel as if I’m slipping. Less put together. As if my integrals have become tangled and dysfunctional. While I appreciate the fact that my current state of less than best is leagues above my prior states of absolute best, I will make an effort to put myself back together. To sort my shit.
12:49 PM: I am in a dark place. I am suffocating in my own spiteful, self-perpetuated, self-defeating suffering. It is a paradoxically terrible and comfortable emotional state. It is familiar. It fits. I grasp for reason, but I find myself rationalizing the realization of my animosity as I did dances with my deamon in the past. I’m really fucking good at it.
12:52 PM: I checked my phone before sitting down to this entry. I did so for good reason; however, it definitely affirmed that, in general, looking at my phone before sitting down to write is extremely counterproductive. It absolutely shifts my mindset to hyper-reactive. I am now in a hurry even though nothing has changed in my timeline. I have been meaning to touch on the fact that I smoked for the first time in over a month on July 4. I did not enjoy…Continue Reading “July 7, 2017”
12:44 PM: I have never given dreams much consideration. The notion of premonition is laughable and the notion of meaningful personal insight is questionable. With that said, I have noticed as of late that I am a fucking badass in my dreams. I have often said that I have never really had a nightmare. I have had dreams of utter despair, which are different. I’ve dreamt that I have lost a limb for instance and awoken with no small sense of relief. I have also…Continue Reading “July 6, 2017”
1:20 PM: It may be worth considering yesterday’s culmination of failures. I had considered making a second entry at approximately 4:30 AM and then I considered not making it, and the latter consideration was realized. It was, at least in part, due to the unrealized goals across the board. It was also, in a lesser part, an experimentation in how it feels to disregard even the singular list. I did not do any soft tissue work. I had decided that another day off may be…Continue Reading “July 5, 2017”
12:42 PM: Yesterday, while making my coffee, I pondered the inefficiency of anger. I will keep this in mind throughout the day. Anger, rage, animosity, indignation …. They are, without exception, for me, a means to an unsatisfying end. These emotions are a hindrance unto happiness; a ruination of the present. They fuck the fun right out of whatever it is I am doing. If that is not motivation enough to refrain from feeding them when they arise, perhaps considering the fact that they make…Continue Reading “July 4, 2017”
1:47 PM: I suppose I’ve reached the point of habituation with journaling. Yesterday, I had intended to make another late first entry. The plan was to do so shortly after getting clocked in at work. I didn’t think of the journal again until around 8 PM. I thought about making an evening entry and after some deliberation decided that I wanted to see how it felt to not. I didn’t like it. And it wasn’t simply because it was the first day I’d missed in…Continue Reading “July 3, 2017”
3:47 PM: I decided to make a late first entry so that I could devote more time to it, but I’ve just now accepted hours in Newcomerstown (with drive time), so I’m not sure I’ve put myself in a much better position. I can leave whenever I want, but just the fact that it is hanging over my head is a distraction. Nothing stands out as a pattern of failure in a quick review of June’s goals. I missed a few spending limits and a…Continue Reading “July 1, 2017”
10:47 AM: It is as humbling as it is humiliating to realize that my overall sense of wellbeing can still be subjugated by jealously and my perception of imparted prestige. A single poisonous thought still has the power to seed itself and grow into a state of mind that can ruin most of a day. It should be noted; however, that eating and sleeping tends to blunt the effects. 3:53 AM: It’s funny how powerful of a motivator goal-singularity is. I’ll feel way shittier not…Continue Reading “June 30, 2017”
12:43 PM: While I have yet to engage the endeavor of early rising, I’ve been remarkably consistent in my sophomoric slumber pattern. Exact same time stamp for past two “morning” entries with third being only a few minutes off. Thinking “How can I get the most fun out of this, because I’ll be dead before long” continues to be effective at interrupting self-defeating thought patterns that had ruined situations, and, really, life itself for years, or, really, forever. It appears to be just the right…Continue Reading “June 29, 2017”
12:43 PM: Eight months. Eight months is no joke, to be certain; however, there are subtle whispers threatening to fuck up the works. The rationalization of urges are still absent, though the occasional romanticization is still present; however, the latter isn’t a threat. It isn’t difficult to see the nostalgia for what it is. It is the subtle self-doubt. A series of self-destructive questions: Would I still be off the sauce if I stopped taking wellbutrin? If no: do I really have any reason to…Continue Reading “June 28, 2017”
12:39 PM: The effectiveness of external validation is as pragmatically sound as it is disheartening. The latter only because, at least part of me, thought I was above it. One of my few justifications for engaging social media is the wealth of information I stumble upon. There may be some truth in this, but it is worth noting that six months ago I had marked this year the year of elimination. Then, I got it into my head, from reading a book, a book that…Continue Reading “June 27, 2017”
2:45 PM: I have a fairly long day ahead of me, lol. To be fair, I woke up at 2 pm, but still only slept for about five and a half hours, as I was doing paperwork until 6 AM. The visceral tightening that accompanies increased stress levels feels like what I imagine it feels like to swallow poison. Reducing the subjective affect with reason has become easier and will be my focus of today. I’ll likely get a good opportunity for practice when I…Continue Reading “June 26, 2017”
2:33 PM: Subtle at first, I feel the familiar visceral tightening. A phenomenological cancer attempting to proliferate. A subjective filter, saturated with overwhelm, that will sift the joy right out life and create an angry, indignant, self-martyred, nightmare. Fuck all that noise. I gunna have a good day today. 7:48 AM: Well … I did not play the martyr. I had a pretty good day. I am also going to bed at 8 am.
12:14 AM (June 25): Tonight I felt waves of uncertainty washing over a decision done made and I was able to shut that shit down. I was able to accept that it may have been the wrong decision; however, it was a reasoned decision that I came to after a fair amount of deliberation and that would have to be good enough. I can learn from such decisions, but I will be mindful to avoid lamenting and punishing myself with what-ifs.
It is worth considering that immediately after making last night’s evening journal entry [about having less creative aptitude in the evening] I made the following post on facebook: While the post is most definitely not the paradigm of profundity, it is apparent that I exerted a modicum of effort into the endeavor of putting words together. So, it may not be that I have less creative juice in the evening, but that I am less motivated to make these entries. The extra effort could be…Continue Reading “June 23, 2017”
12:46 PM: It seems as if I have more creative energy when I first wake up than just before going to sleep. I had always felt the opposite was true in the past. I felt that I did my best writing in the evening. Things seem to flow better earlier in the day. This entry being an ironic exception. 2:55 AM: While I did not do everything I set out to do, I enjoyed what I did do.
2:29 PM: I have no idea how many hours I have in Steubenville. But I do know that I have a fairly full day of home health. I woke up at 1 pm and will not get to my first appointment until about 3 pm. Lol. 3:15 AM: I had 6 hours at Lancia and got there at about 6 pm. It’s funny, but it’s an unnecessary and self-created stress derby. I really do want to give waking up earlier an honest go or maybe…Continue Reading “June 21, 2017”
12:43 PM: Today I will face fuck life until joy floods out of me in torrents. 4:38 AM (June 21): Today was a good day. I managed to squeeze a great deal of living into the last sixteen hours. I even accomplished multiple things after hanging out with Josh and Jonathan, including terminating the ends for the new cable I ran for Adora, that I assumed would have to be left undone. Today was as enjoyable as it was productive. It does not bode well…Continue Reading “June 20, 2017”
1:57 PM: My goals for the weight room have become confabulated in theory and contradictory in practice. The reason I missed an easy overhead press the other night is because my elbow is a bit fucked again. All three times the lift began fine and then the left elbow shut it down about halfway through. I was fully aware of this by the third lift, but acted the fool nonetheless. It’s amazing how a failed lift can turn a grown man into a blubbering child….Continue Reading “June 19, 2017”
4:34 AM (June 19): Today was father’s day. I had multiple moments of potential ruination that I neglected to bring to fruition. It was easier today than it has been. Less struggle. For father’s day, Adora said that she wanted to get a blue dot tattoo to match mine. Mine was for alignment of the machine for radiation therapy during cancer treatments. She still surprises me on how thoughtful she can be. Last year, for father’s day I worked at Wheeling Hospital until six pm….Continue Reading “June 18, 2017”
11:48 AM: Perhaps I’ll be able to tease out the good in succumbing to familial pressure that puts me at odds with reason as I explore the [relationships goals] category. In the meantime, and after, I will focus on having the most fun I can have regardless of any and all variables. 4:33 AM: I missed a lift tonight. Several times. I slammed the bar. Threw the bar. Threw other things. Scared the dog. I hated everything and wanted to die for hours. I still…Continue Reading “June 17, 2017”
10:44 AM: Core components of physical health are resilience, durability, and adaptability. Strength, endurance, agility, and bo staff skills are also crucial. I want to feel well, move well, be well. Sleep, exercise, and diet are the broad strokes by which these are achieved and I can begin prioritizing the tools used to facilitate each. 2:29 AM: I find the notion of disappointing my family so profoundly unsettling that I am willing to act against reason to avoid it. Perhaps that makes me weak. Less…Continue Reading “June 16, 2017”
12:43 PM: I do not believe I have written this outright, but as things become established habit, something else will replace them for a daily goal. Lifting and meditation are never on the daily goals list for this reason. They are simply things I do. 1:11 AM (June 16): It is worth considering the fundamental drive behind some of my primary objectives. I pursue physical health for its own sake. As a matter of pragmatism, I want to be strong. As a matter of pageantry,…Continue Reading “June 15, 2017”
1:47 PM: I feel fragmented and fatigued. The feeling of fragmentation stems from acting unreasonably and neglecting one facet of my person almost entirely. It is a lack of integrity. The source of the fatigue is less obvious. It definitely is not due to a lack of sleep in hours and the quality also seems to be more than adequate. I was asleep sometime around 4 am and awoke at 1 pm with vivid dreams and no trouble staying asleep in between. I really do…Continue Reading “June 14, 2017”
12:01 PM: I will use the fulfilled as fuck doc to begin the process of defining, delineating, and identifying tools for each category of goals [I created a document that listed all the things I found fulfilling in an effort to find purpose. I also hoped that it would help guide goal setting in the categories of physical health, mental health, relatioinships / comapssion, finance, and chores]. The core components of mind [mental health] are mindfulness, reason, and cognition. Compassion would fit well in the…Continue Reading “June 13, 2017”
1:10 PM: I have been making goals for mind / mental health for some time now, with no explicit indication of what that actually means. I could assign happiness as the overarching purpose of the category, but it is a little too vague and I believe it’s fair to say that all efforts in every endeavor aim toward that end. As stated in a minute or two before I have to run out the door, the purpose of mind category in goal setting is to…Continue Reading “June 12, 2107”
1:46 PM: I have neglected entire categories in daily goals as of late. Meaning that I have not established a goal at all. This seemed to make sense when working very long days as I likely would not have the time to address something around the house without sacrificing sleep. However, it is worth considering the long term implications. It may be of value to sit and write out the overarching purpose the goals are driving toward followed by bi-annual, quarterly, and / or monthly…Continue Reading “June 11, 2017”
12:26 AM (June 11): I am withstanding the seas of spite with varying degrees of success. I was pretty upset this evening and I have not smoked, which is not insignificant. I even exercised the presence of mind to repeatedly remind myself that a successful night at the gym with my dog was better than a failed night at home with my bitch. Of course, if I wanted to be a grown-up, I could have enjoyed time with both my bitches, but I am fairly…Continue Reading “June 10, 2017”
1:34 PM: While reviewing last year’s journal at the beginning of this month, I came across an explicit resolution to not drink and not smoke for the month of June. Since then, I have fostered implicit resolve to not smoke this month (the not drinking is assumed at this point). I was somewhat hesitant to state the goal overtly. I’m not sure if it was because I wanted to leave myself an out, or I worried that in stating the aim I was somehow inviting…Continue Reading “June 9, 2017”
1:00 PM: To say that I was disgusted over the fact that I came home from lifting last night at 3 AM and went to bed around 6 AM may be a bit of an exaggeration, but to say that I was disappointed may not be. It certainly seems irresponsible to begin a nine hour day at 3 PM, thus leading to the late lifting and bedding. It did occur to me that a year ago I would have been wrecked off my tits and…Continue Reading “June 8, 2017”
It is an odd habit to romanticize misery. Whether it be a vehicle of familiarity or fondness, the result is a resistance to positive change. Even writing the words “positive change” was met with a subtle disdain just now. Why would someone want to remain unhappy? It’s fucked up. 4:29 AM (June 8): With five home health patients to see and six hours at a facility in Wintersville, I began my day at 3:00 pm. While this is a triumphant decry of doing what I…Continue Reading “June 7, 2017”
12:53 PM: It is worth noting that I am looking forward to hanging out with Josh and Jonathan more than I was looking forward to the Tool concert. The fiscal implications factor in to be certain. Hanging out with Josh and Jonathan costs very little and I spent an irresponsible sum on the concert. I had already concluded that very little or no money is required to extract the most fun out of a day; however, it is also true that, for me, spending too…Continue Reading “June 6, 2017”
3:25 AM (June 6): I’ve noticed my phenomenological experience is threaded with tendencies toward ruination, even if they are typically no longer realized. We went to the Tool concert this evening and I generally had a good time. I enjoyed Carcass more, and it was 30th of the cost, but still. My mind was generally my friend through the concert; however, on the drive home the mullings of malice and melancholy were persistent and pronounced. I thought some pretty bad shit. I’m not sure if…Continue Reading “June 5, 2017”
1:33 PM: I am going to kick the day right in the taint until it ejaculates joy. 2:59 AM: Shortly after making my first entry, I completed a grueling deadlift and squat session in under an hour, showed up to push prowler still out of breath from my last set of squats, went home and cut the grass, met Jonathan at his gym to help him with his wraps and spot him, went to dinner with Suzi, came home and did my paperwork, and then…Continue Reading “June 4, 2017”
5:26 PM: Late first entry. I wanted to get to work and get clocked in. It was my intention to make a quick entry while there, but it did not work out that way. I have been and will continue to focus on having fun for the rest of the day. It’s a little unsettling how effective it is at disarming the indignation and ceasing tendencies of ruination that I have struggled with for years. Multiple times today I experienced that familiar tightening and I…Continue Reading “June 3, 2017”
1:09 PM: Well, the early rise endeavor was short lived. Really would like to give it an honest go, but no such luck or execution this day. I will vehemently extract joy from the day, nonetheless. 4:30 AM: For whatever reason, it is far easier to recall my intent to extract fun from the day than it is to be grateful. It comes more easily than gratitude when I begin to twist and tighten from the inside out in resistance to whatever I find unfair,…Continue Reading “June 2, 2017”
10:07 AM: It is my good intention to push through and stay awake until this evening. If I don’t mess around, I should be able to lift before jiujitsu and have the rest of the day to do yard work or whatever. I do what I want. And right now I want to give a more normalized sleeping schedule an honest go. If it sucks, I can always go back to what I have been doing. I feel a little discombobulated running on two hours’…Continue Reading “June 1, 2017”
1:29 PM: It is uncanny the degree to which I still seek martyrdom while being fully aware of the futility, and worse, the misappropriation of life, in it. There is no reward in self-sacrifice, save for the times the sacrifice is the reward in and of itself. Helping others, even at a cost to oneself, perhaps, especially at a cost to oneself, feels good. But this is not the sacrifice of which I speak. No, I am lamenting over the wastefulness in bearing burdens for…Continue Reading “May 31, 2017”
12:44 PM: I drove home from dropping my home health paperwork off around 4:30 AM this morning. I had been, was at the time, and continued to be absolutely seething with barely contained rage. The garbage can lid was off-kilter, the scanner wasn’t working quite right, the water was taking too long to boil, and a host of other minor things occurred. And I nearly smashed, threw, or otherwise assaulted some inanimate object over each one. I had the presence of mind to not only…Continue Reading “May 30, 2017”
12:42 PM: I will continue the gratitude practice and review this evening. While I have yet to explicitly write it out, the intent is to create a habit of gratitude that will combat the existential dread and resultant rage. In turn, this should keep me off the bottle. Cheers. 2:01 AM: Today I was grateful that I was able to see everyone before leaving, even if it was just for a little while. I made coffee and Adora and Kristen made tuna helper and Suzi…Continue Reading “May 26, 2017”
12:48 PM: I was fairly adamant about sitting down to write, and would have been fairly angry if circumstance dictated otherwise, yet here I am with nothing to say. Today, once again, I will focus on gratitude. I have tried setting the alarm with varying degrees of success. Today I will set the alarm for every three hours, jot down what I’m grateful for at that time, and then write about that shit tonight. 3:04 AM: Not one alarm, not one moment of deliberate gratitude;…Continue Reading “May 25, 2017”
1:49 AM: When I was a child I took great pleasure in deliberately, methodically ruining anything good around me. The more good the thing, the greater the pleasure. The more dramatic I could make the destruction, the deeper the cut I could inflict on those around me, the better I imagined it would feel. And in a way, I guess it did. I frequently imagined killing myself on holidays. And while I do not recall ever actually killing myself, I did cut myself for attention,…Continue Reading “May 24, 2017”
12:32 PM: While I neglected to set an alarm, I actually did remember to practice gratitude just about every three hours, if not more frequently, yesterday. I will continue the practice in to today, paying special attention to be grateful for the money I will be making tomorrow rather than stressing about the hours.
11:59 AM: Once again I’ve forced my hand to be concise as I am rushing out the door to make open mat at noon. Today I will set my alarm every 3 hours and be grateful for some shit or another. Right now, I am grateful that I did not have to dispatch out to Oblebay for Stratuswave and that I can actually make jiujitsu, even if I’m a little late.
11:34 AM: Once again it is my intention to stave off the internal turmoil with gratitude. I made it my singular goal under mental health to do so. I have set a gratitude alarm for 4 pm and will repeat every 4 hours until midnight. 2:21 AM: Fared better. I suppose.
12:45 PM: I will indulge an exercise in brevity as I would like to make it to jiujitsu as close to 1 as possible. Today, my focus will be on combating child-like rage with gratitude. Literally, actionably, each time indignation rears its infantile head, I will think of something I am grateful for. We’ll see how it goes. It is also my good intention to come back to this in the evening. To reflect upon the day and explore the notion of priority. 1:17 AM…Continue Reading “May 18, 2017”
1:59 PM: Waking up without an alarm each day has been pretty awesome. However, I do wonder, from time to time, if I might be a little better off waking up a little earlier. I may want to at least give it a shot. I am approaching the half-way point of the year and have yet to reflect back upon what I’ve actually accomplished, if anything. It doesn’t feel like much of anything. I have been working too much and have about the same amount…Continue Reading “May 17, 2017”
Today was my first day back at jiujitsu in a little over a month. April 6 is my last entry for rounds in my training log and that sounds about right, though I didn’t think it had been quite that long ago. I was just sitting down to mediate when Josh texted me a message that artfully combined passive aggressiveness and sarcasm (i.e., “nice to see you at grappling) with direct insults (i.e., “pos”). I smiled, taking the abuse as his way of telling me…Continue Reading “May 11, 2017”
12:51 PM: This entry will be brief as I should be leaving now to see my 1 PM patient in Martins Ferry. However, there are a few things worth getting down, even if I did not leave myself the time necessary to properly explore them. It is my intention to come back to this tonight, but I am well aware of how such intentions tend to materialize. At my last meeting we performed a cost benefit analysis of our addictive behavior. I thought the most…Continue Reading “May 4, 2017”
The anger continues to threaten rage at every turn, as if I am indefinitely on the verge of a child-like temper tantrum. I feel as if I’m barely holding it together. I have nearly exploded multiple times today. I have no desire to smoke and I’m thinking of smoking anyway, just to see if it will help. My goal for today will be just to fucking keep it together.
The anger, the overwhelm, the exhaustion, and the inclination for procrastination are all very prominent contenders to take stake in my day. It’s as if after several days of doing naught, the inertia is almost palpably painful to overcome. It’s not that I feel particularly lazy or unmotivated in spite of feeling tired. It’s that I am having difficulty taking on one task, without a dozen others imposing themselves upon my psyche, creating a visceral tightness and an emotional self-victimization and capitulation. I would like…Continue Reading “April 22, 2017”
I eventually caught the illness that put Adora down for three days and Suzi for over a week. Until this moment I did not realize the level of fatigue that still persists both mentally and physically. The previous sentence sat unfinished for better than five minutes and I feel myself succumbing to the seduction of slumber as I sit here, though I awoke little more than an hour ago and I’ve had more than sufficient amounts of caffeine. The fever and cough are gone and…Continue Reading “April 21, 2017”
I deliberately finished my home health paperwork last night, even drove it over and dropped it in the mail box, so that today would feel like an honest to goodness day off. I am somewhat astounded by the profound freedom found in such a banal event. Until today, I had not even thought of taking the time to write. I continue to fill my days beyond capacity and it continues to wear on me. The money is rolling in, but time has become a fleeting…Continue Reading “April 16, 2017”
12:01 PM: It is almost comical how persistent yet unresolved my desire to finish reading my 2016 journal has become. It’s such a small thing. It would take twenty minutes at most, probably less. It is comical, but it is only as comical as it is sad. It’s as if I’ve come to a point in which the busy work of putting out fires has largely disappeared and in an effort to avoid the unfamiliar and uncomfortable work that actually propels one forward, I nurture…Continue Reading “April 3, 2017”
12:00 AM: At this moment, seven years ago, I was uncorking a bottle of beer, aged ten years. Adora and Suzi were at Disneyworld. Without me. On my birthday. To be fair, they were at Disneyworld for a cheering competition I was not able to attend. Worlds, I believe. And they placed first, if memory serves me. Seven years ago, I recall that I was still a little unnerved at 11:59 and a little surprised when the clock struck midnight. I had long since been…Continue Reading “March 23, 2017”
I have not smoked again, though the urge struck me in passing last night. It seems the anger is resurfacing. I am hopeful that this is simply a symptom of being overworked, which is an issue that will self-resolve in a little more than a week [it did not]. Perhaps this level of anger amidst this level of stress is actually a positive sign. I have one more dose of the wellbutrin left and I am running into some issues having it refilled. If I…Continue Reading “March 9, 2017”
I smoked last night for the first time in several weeks. I do not completely regret the decision as I did not enjoy it in the way I assumed I would and it did not provide the dopamine induced catharsis that it had in the past. I felt better after eating, not smoking. I hope to keep this in mind the next time such an urge strikes me. I disposed of the rest of the pack last night and it is unlikely that I would…Continue Reading “March 7, 2017”
12:28 PM: I am fairing far better in reflexively perceiving every circumstance as if I have chosen it in some way. I still sometimes become overwhelmed by the sheer volume of circumstance that I’ve chosen, but refusing to play the victim goes a long way toward blunting the effects. Yesterday I worked at two facilities plus home health visits. I finished my notes around 10 pm and finished eating at about 11 pm. Then I received a text from Chuck asking if I was near…Continue Reading “February 23, 2017”
11:50 AM: At some point, and I do not believe it was that long ago, within the last year or possibly two years, meditating has become such an integral part of my day, such a fundamental piece of my transition from slumber into the waking world, that it simply feels weird not to do it. Prior to that, it was definitely a thing that I needed to do. I enjoyed it more often than not, but if I were busy, it was a source of…Continue Reading “February 21, 2017”
2:39 PM: I am still afflicted by urges, but they are more subtle. They are less urgent and easier to squelch. When I do think of drinking (or smoking), it is in the vein of a hedonistic indulgence; I think of the physical sensations and how pleasant they would be. I still romanticize it in this way. However, the tidal pull toward the deep end simply isn’t there. The inescapable pressure with a singular and certain relief is absent. I feel as if, sometimes, I…Continue Reading “February 20, 2017”
2:52 PM: I have had a visceral pull to sit down and write since waking up. As one thing after another got in the way, I became more anxious. My stomach tightened with self-imposed urgency. Even as I opened this file, even as I marked the date and time, it did not occur to me that I had nothing that I wanted to write about in particular. My fingers hovered over the keyboard, ready for action, waiting for instruction, and then I realized, I got…Continue Reading “February 18, 2017”
10:59 AM: After grinding away at journaling in a somewhat obligatory fashion for several weeks and then neglecting it entirely for several weeks, I’ve come to the conclusion that there is a definite profit in the process itself, though, perhaps, I could avoid austerity. I will make it a point to journal twice a day, more days than not. To refute the subtle sloth that sometimes makes getting started difficult, but to refrain when the act legitimately feels like a chore. I want writing to…Continue Reading “February 17, 2017”
11:03 AM: I feel as though I am drowning in a sea of existential fatigue and self-inflicted overwhelm. Except that “sea” is the wrong body of water for the analogy. It feels as if it should be escapable. That my drowning in entirely a volitional act. But to say that I am drowning in a kiddie pool of anything sounds absurd. And it is. Today I woke up at 10 am without an alarm, having slept a little over eight hours. I am already tired….Continue Reading “February 7, 2017”
8:49 AM: I am keeping up on this journal. Stubbornly. Perhaps, ineffectively. But adhering to the plan nonetheless. My goal for today is to take a nap. And call the physician Adrian recommended. Just so tired. 10:52 PM: I am grateful that I did not smoke. Kind of. It was close. I guess I still could.
1:16 PM: It is an understatement to say that I am ill content with the past two weeks. I have been unbalanced and ineffective. I will focus on reducing effort and improving results. I also have some ambivalence regarding forcing the journaling twice a day. The quality absolutely suffers in most entries. However, I may still produce the same number of quality entries per time period, plus benefit from the practice in and of itself, regardless of quality. I will make it a point to…Continue Reading “January 15, 2017”
6:40 AM: Last night, I dreamt of a rabid onslaught unleashed upon inanimate objects. In the realm of slumber, I was in a kitchen. I was angry and arguing with Suzi and it was my express intent to break the kitchen table, all the chairs, and pitch them out the back door. The kitchen was very similar, if not identical, to the house I grew up in. For whatever reason, there was always one more table to break. I recall feeling as if all my…Continue Reading “January 14, 2017”
9:23 AM: I have been too busy, working too many hours, to even set goals most days, let alone achieve the goals I’ve set, on the days I’ve managed to set them. Perhaps this will all seem worthwhile once the money actually starts coming in for all the effort I’ve exerted; however, my last paycheck was not what I anticipated. It is my intention today to spend some time resting, reflecting, reassessing. 11:18 PM: I lost my temper this evening. I found my razor in…Continue Reading “January 13, 2017”
7:51 AM: I feel surprisingly not shitty on a few hours of sleep. Hopefully the not shitty persists throughout the day. I received a call just after 6 am asking if I was free to work today. Of course, I took the hours. It was my intention to go back to sleep thereafter, but I was unsuccessful. I will also be rolling today at 1 pm, lifting with Jonathan sometime in the early evening, and then watching It’s Always Sunny with Jonathan and Josh sometime…Continue Reading “January 12, 2017”
8:52 AM: Today I will plan to make better use of tomorrow (a day off) than I did of Tuesday. It will be difficult to accomplish much else outside of that due to the hours I’m working. I’ll be lucky to make it to jiujitsu. I will also work gratitude into my evening entry and make a sincere effort to put a little more time into reflection of the day. 11:24 PM: I had to step away from everything before something was broken. My AirDroid…Continue Reading “January 11, 2017”
12:48 PM: Today I will reassess. It will be a good day for reassessment as it is a third into the month and I will be running the SMART meeting tonight, which will likely make me feel reflective. Other goals will be kept to a minimum. 12:26 AM (January 11) I’m not doing all that well in crossing off daily goals, and I’m not yet sure what to make of it. Either buckle down and do them, or make less goals and build momentum. Today…Continue Reading “January 10, 2017”
9:28 AM: There are no free lunches. I have made a mental note of this before. Smoking undoubetably helps in the short term. Whatever was festering in my psyche is effectively squelched and replaced with a calm motivation. However, invariably, when I set the cigarettes back down, anger follows. I will be mindful of this today. Careful. 11:56 PM: I have not lost my shit this day. For the most part. I did not lose my temper, but I did break down and get Long…Continue Reading “January 9, 2017”
10:34 AM: It is worth reflecting on the fact that tonglen practice is most difficult, nearly impossible, for those closest to me. I actually meet less resistance in attempting the practice for strangers and people I severely dislike. [Tonglen is a meditation practice in which you generate feelings of loving-kindness toward loved ones and progress to strangers and then to people you actively do not like – I’ve always struggled with what is supposed to be the easiest level] Today my focus will be on…Continue Reading “January 8, 2017”
2:55 PM: I am trying to keep the mental state of last night at the forefront of my forebrain. I intend to focus much more deliberately on spending time with friends and family moving forward. It was also awesome to have it reinforced (yet again) that I have far more fun not drinking than drinking. Playing nightcrawlers was infinitely better than sitting in my computer chair drinking vodka alone and watching youtube videos. For the rest of the day I will focus on ensuring that…Continue Reading “January 7, 2017”
2:53 PM: I would be in better spirits if I had fully embraced sloth as a virtue during the first few days I’ve had off in some time. Instead, I have had unmet aspirations that have left me feeling a guilt- laden sense of unfullfilment. I have already contributed to this sense of avoidable regret this day. I have been awake for nearly three hours and have accomplished naught, even though I know I have jiutjitsu at 5, I plan to spend time with Josh…Continue Reading “January 6, 2017”
12:12 PM: I have felt a familiar fatigue over the past several days. It is the fatigue that has come with long term sobriety in the past, or the fatigue that drinking possibly masks. It is the fatigue that resulted in getting a B+ in biology in undergrad, because I simply did not have the drive (I got a 4.0 as a raging alcoholic). It is a heavy thickness in the space between my eyes. It is a warm, suffocating blanket of procrastination and stagnation….Continue Reading “January 5, 2017”
9:50 AM: I will focus more this evening on reflection. I will spend some time reading my 2016 journal, perhaps finishing it, prior to making my evening entry. I will also focus on sleep, insuring that I go to bed early enough that I can wake up without an alarm tomorrow, with plenty of time to make it to jiujitsu. I will also be mindful of complaining and opportunities for elimination and reflect on both this evening. 10:56 PM: I’ve done none of it. After…Continue Reading “January 4, 2017”
12:27 PM: I feel groggy today. A little displaced as it is my first real day off in a few weeks. The focus of today will be on recuperation and reflection. I will spend some time with Suzi and Josh if possible. I leave in just a few minutes for my first day back at jiujitsu in a few weeks, and hopefully the beginning of another steady run with it. 12:47 AM (January 4): Some of my journal entries from 2016 were deeply reflective and…Continue Reading “January 3, 2017”
8:22 AM: Today I will be mindful of things that can be eliminated. I will focus on recuperation and laugh as much as possible. I will reflect on this in the evening. 9:51 PM: I neglected a few things this evening to engage in reparations with Suzi. This was much needed and likely the most productive way to spend my time. Whatever did not get finished this evening can be bumped until tomorrow. It appears as if work is going to slow down drastically for…Continue Reading “January 2, 2017”
12:24 PM: My primary objective of this year will be to cease stifling growth with intentional overwhelm. Up until sixty-five days ago, I had filled the empty spaces in a self-medicated stupor. In the past sixty-five days, I have left no empty spaces. I am going to try a five minute morning and evening journaling practice. The most difficult aspect may be keeping the practice to just a few minutes, but I feel this is important. Allowing the practice to grow uninhibited could result in…Continue Reading “January 1, 2017”
AM: I suppose this is mostly an exercise in getting into the habit of journaling at the beginning and the end of each day for just a few minutes. No later than January 1, I will read all journal entries for the past year. If helpful, this will become a tradition. PM: Well, I did not do what I set out to do. I am tired. I had the time, but not the drive. I really am feeling burned out. I did not watch a…Continue Reading “December 30, 2016”
2:24 AM: Someone referred to the 24 – 48 hours after-effects of marijuana as “the haze.” I am not as fond of it this time around. It seems to be more inhibitive than facilitative. In any case, I cannot experiment further as it dawned on me that I could be drug tested at any time, not just at the initiation of employment with a new company. The thought dawned on me shortly after smoking last night and the absolute panic was unbearable. My resting heart…Continue Reading “December 18, 2016”
I decided to experiment again this evening. The terror was every bit as severe; however, the pleasantness that had followed the previous two times was not nearly as pronounced. It is worth noting that I became fixated on a legitimate concern during the state of paranoia that was difficult to abandon, and may have prolonged the paranoia through the pleasantness. [I never put the time on the same line as the date. I am pretty sure I did it on purpose here because I was…Continue Reading “December 17, 2016 3:31 AM”
It has been a long day. The shift in consciousness permeated into this evening, but begins to fade. I hope to hold on to a piece of it, of the liberation that comes with getting out of my own way. A quiet and mindfulness that does not require effort, but a lack thereof. Communications and other interactions felt very natural, effortless over the past few days, but I can already sense the pre-communication self-talk seeping its way back in as I write this. I would…Continue Reading “December 13, 2016”
I have never felt this way about a behavior without alcohol having precipitated that behavior. As I drove from place to place today, I felt the visceral sourness that permeates my being after having fucked up. Of having “done it this time.” Multiple times throughout the day, I was surprised by the fact that I actually hadn’t drunk a drop. While driving to my first appointment there was a noticeable fog that permeated the silence. It was mitigated to a large degree by listening to…Continue Reading “December 12, 2016”
i always feel that i have choice, even when i choose to binge … but i finally feel like it’s not going to help, or that the repercussions will be worse than the reprieve. ….
So I missed a few days in my monthly goal of journaling. It is what it is. In the past few days I have done some experimentation. Yesterday, I decided to experiment with Xanax. It was a failed experiment. After having a long, difficult week, being sick included, I was surprisingly fine overall. There was no visceral or emotional unease. I tried Xanax anyway. It could only make things better, right? Initially, it just made me feel sleepy. However, when I realized Adora had both…Continue Reading “December 11, 2016”
Figuring out a way to take a step back and reboot is probably a good idea. I can see how continuing to stubbornly push through as I have been could eventually lead to a lapse. I have paperwork to finish tomorrow, and then I hope to exert the self-control to decline work over the next few days.
Denying my deamon during an illness is a victory in and of itself and there is a certain irony in the fact. I am in a lot of debt to possess a clinical doctorate that I probably do not deserve, but somewhere in all that supposed learning, it should have accidentally stuck that a fifth of Jack will not hasten the viral demise, though it could possibly prolong it. In any event, I am (hopefully) on the tail end of my mini-plague and I have…Continue Reading “December 7, 2016”
Still sick as shit, but a few notable moments of liberating defiance today. Just a little while ago, Suzi became angry over something I considered small. I felt this undermined all that I’d managed to accomplish in the day, and I became more than angry. I was enraged, indignant. I drew back to hit the cabinet. I apologized instead. I told her that she was right, and had the right to be upset, and that it was my best intention to be more reasonable in…Continue Reading “December 6, 2016”
I am very sick today. I don’t like it. I worked over 10 hours between two facilities. I lost my phone at the end of the night. After finally finishing at the second facility, I turned around, went back, looked for my phone for a half hour or so, and eventually found it on my dashboard. Didn’t get to do jiujitsu. Still today was a good day. It struck me later that, in spite of being sick, and tired, and rushed, I’d remained completely present…Continue Reading “December 5, 2016”
Today I hit my first deadlift PR in a long, long time. I actually hit 3 PRs today: 470 on deadlift, a 34” box jump holding a 70 lb dumbbell, and the sixth hole on my weightlifting belt (least fat I’ve ever been over 190 lbs). It also felt nice to help Mark move things in the basement and look at David’s knee. It felt even nicer to have had several opportunities to go off the deep end, but manage to (self) talk myself off…Continue Reading “December 4, 2016”
Adora had her first cheering competition in several years today (they won), I finally broke down and talked to Suzi (I lost), I managed to turn three hours of work at a facility into five hours and then only bill two and a half hours (facility won), and I hit 450 on squat and 320 on bench after a long day, a 24 hour fast, and no spot (I won). I was grateful that I was able to finally attend one of Adora’s meets without…Continue Reading “December 3, 2016”
I will chalk today up as a win. I still haven’t spoken to Suzi, but I did purchase an orchid for her and some food that she likes. When I got home, I noticed that she picked up a gallon of whole milk and I’m the only one who drinks it. She also took all the fucking razors and toothpaste to her aunts with her (her and Adora are staying the night as Adora has a cheering competition tomorrow). I was really angry at first,…Continue Reading “December 2, 2016”
I am going to give the month of daily journaling goal another go. I accept that some nights, including this night, I may sit down to complete the task for the sake of it; however, after taking some time away, I believe I will still glean some benefit in doing so. My sobriety remains in the honeymoon phase. There are subtle whispers from my deamon, attempts to romanticize the bliss found at the bottom of a bottle; however, I feel that it is still too…Continue Reading “December 1, 2016”
I took a short hiatus from journaling as it seemed that many nights I was making entries for the sake of it, rather than making an honest attempt to get something out of the endeavor. I worried that it may cheapen the exercise. However, after having taken a short time away, I have felt that something has been missing. Perhaps journaling for the sake of it has value in and of itself. Last Tuesday I went to the Carcass show by my lonesome and it…Continue Reading “November 28, 2016”
My main focus for right now is going to be on a gentle but continuous calming of my mind. I was wound tight almost all of the previous week. And while I actually enjoyed it in some sense, I did a couple stupid things while lost in a mindless cluster fuck of to dos (including driving over a curb and knocking the mirror off the buick). I was also fatigued and ready to snap the majority of the week. I will focus on choice when…Continue Reading “November 20, 2016”
I felt slightly more grounded this day, but the fatigue is still present in empty spaces. I don’t notice it so much when engaged with patients or documentation, but during the ride home, my mind felt encumbered with a thick, warm sludge. Then, I felt fine at the gym, lifting went well, but the fatigue returned once home and distractions were less urgent. I will call to make an appointment with a physician next week at the latest and try to be seen before the…Continue Reading “November 17, 2016”
Today was awash in somber sloth. I skipped jiujitsu for no good reason. I told myself I’d get a bunch of other things done, but I mostly fucked around. I just feel tired.