Today was good, especially since I had the opportunity to ruin it right out of the gate, and I likely would have in the past. I awoke to realize that I’d missed calls for hours at two facilities. I also realized that I’d forgotten to make a journal entry last night [I had a goal to journal every night for a month]. Those two things combined were enough to spark a shempa-catalyzed, self-spite-cascade. But I stopped it. The anger and frustration were more visceral than…Continue Reading “November 15, 2016”
Journal Entries
I may want to explore gravity as a trigger more deeply. It’s about as irrational as one can get, but when something falls off the counter or I drop something, I go from a great mood to ready to lose my shit. I actually drew back to punch the wall last night when my toothbrush fell off the sink. I was not in a bad mood prior to that.
It seems as if my patience has been erratically shifting from one extreme to the other. In many instances, I feel a subtle internal pause, as I prepare for the plethoric rage that is sure to boil into being. But it doesn’t. And I’m surprised each and every time. In other instances, I am in a great mood and then I’m unexpectedly triggered by gravity (i.e., something falls off the counter or a shelf and I’m literally drawing my fist back to punch something). It…Continue Reading “November 13, 2016”
Exhausted. Need to catch up on sleep tonight. Have remained fairly steadfast and patient overall considering how little sleep I have gotten the past three nights. No major urges.
I went to see my therapist for the first time today and I’m already not quite sure it’s going to work out. She makes me miss Dee [a therapist I worked with during my first stint with sobriety 2011 – 2013]. But she’s is ready to throw drugs at the problem right out of the gait, and I’m half convinced that may be the necessary course. Right now, I feel fine. But I know that can change in time. I will start rationalizing again. I…Continue Reading “November 11, 2016”
I figure I’m about 90% recovered from my binge. An urgent sense of ambition is palpable just underneath a thin veil of apathy. I had no real urges to speak of today except that on the way home, it crossed my mind that I may or may not make it to the Island before 9 pm [when my closest and most beloved liquor store closes]. The thought was not accompanied by anything that required deliberate resolve. It was just kind of there, which may or…Continue Reading “November 10, 2016”
Spent the majority of the day in bed with Suzi. We caught up on some shows and watched a movie. We needed this, yet I couldn’t help but feel ineffectual for not being more productive overall. I had a few minor urges today, but nothing that I had to deliberately fight back with a great deal of effort. It was frustrating that I was not able to get into the online meeting this evening, but I will have an IRL meeting tomorrow and will hopefully…Continue Reading “November 7, 2016”
Slowly, it feels as if the mental fog is lifting. A sense of urgency, ambition, and confidence is returning. Also, and most surprisingly, maybe a modicum of patience. I had full intentions of ruining my night out of childish spite. Even after lifting and the rest of my afternoon went well. For whatever reason, I had it in my head that the most pleasurable approach to the evening would be self-sabotage. At some point, I decided to pull my head out of my ass and…Continue Reading “November 6, 2016”
Tonight I went to a NA meeting on the island. It was completely unplanned. I was in the middle of lifting when a friend texted me that there would be a speaker there I might want to hear. Attending the meeting definitely reinforced the notion that AA / NA is not for me. The first 20 minutes or better was just reading dogma with well-practiced, reflexive responses. “Hello, my name is Frank and I’m an addict.” Entire group, “HELLO, FRANK.” Reflexive interjections of “so bad”…Continue Reading “November 5, 2016”
My mind still feels as if it is moving through sludge, perhaps even more so than a few days ago. However, I am feeling better physically overall, though fatigued. Today, when I awoke, I was extremely grateful that I did not break last night. I was very mindful of this. I was very deliberate about concentrating on that gratitude, so that I may carry it with me as a weapon to use against my next urge. I did a lot of good things today, and…Continue Reading “November 4, 2016”
Today the water was shut off because Suzi neglected to pay the bill again. I had just gotten back from jiujitsu, stripped down, and was ready to jump into the shower. No water. I then the choice between putting my disgusting wet clothes back on, or dirtying a whole new set of clothes so that I could take a shower somewhere else, and then put on a third set of clothes. After screaming, calling the water company, paying the bill, and being told they would…Continue Reading “November 3, 2016”
I participated in my first online meeting for SMART recovery tonight. Periodically, I wondered if it was actually worth my time. I suppose simply being actively engaged in recovery, keeping the endeavor at the forefront, may have value in and of itself. They talked about an “urge jar” in which you put in a bunch of fun things or rewards you can do. Every time you get an urge, you pick one out and do that instead. It’s not a horrible idea … I may…Continue Reading “November 2, 2016”
Had an awesome time hanging out with Baker and Flowers tonight. I laughed hard enough to put my head down in my arms at least half a dozen times. It was reinforcing to see how much fun I can have sober. I already had plenty of examples of this in the past, but it was reinforcing all the same. Alcohol would have definitely lessened the experience. We were at Applebee’s to watch a sporting event, but I wasn’t even faced toward the television. I think…Continue Reading “November 1, 2016”
I would have really thought the entry I made on February 29 of this year would have described the absolute worst experience I’ve had with alcohol. This is an excerpt from that journal entry. Every single time, I say that is the worst I’ve ever felt. I say that one day someone is going to find me dead. And I mean it each time. Not because I have forgotten how bad it was the time before, but because it really is worse each time. I…Continue Reading “October 31, 2016”
I continue to drift along in a sort of more pleasant and productive purgatory as compared to the academic nightmare that pervaded the previous decade; however, I still lack purpose. I am getting more done and doing more overall, but I have yet to ignite a fire. I have made it a goal to have both bathrooms finished by Christmas [as of April 2019, the upstairs bathroom is still unfinished]. The embers I am trying to stoke in this goal are the overarching goals of…Continue Reading “October 25, 2016”
It’s Friday and I’ve managed to accomplish exactly zero goals for the week. A few through no fault of my own (things changed, Adora decided to wait until next week to take her driver’s test, etc.); however, the lion’s share of the failure can be directly attributed to time squandered. Regarding drinking and smoking: it is absolutely true that, at some point, I will not feel better the next day if I refrain; however, that doesn’t mean there isn’t value in the practice of projected…Continue Reading “October 14, 2016”
Although today was long, it was awesome. I got out of work at the hospital early, had a decent session at the gym, extended my Stratuswave gig by responding to a few things, had an awesome quicky, went to Octobefest at Ogelbay (and had a good time), went to the zoo, went to dinner with Suzi and Bev, and managed to get my cooking done for the week.
I had an amazing week in Myrtle Beach. This past weekend, I played cards with Josh, Flowers, Mike, and their friend Chris. On Saturday, Suzi and I hung out with Justin and Liz. On Sunday, I lifted with Jonathan, then went to Mark’s for Linda’s birthday dinner, then met up with Simon and Julie at TJs thereafter. These is all the right things, no doubt. But I still got drunk as shit the day after we got home from the beach on September 26. I…Continue Reading “October 3, 2016”
A few thoughts …. Rather than defining myself by my limitations, define myself by my potential. I have allowed my worth to be contingent upon self-imposed external validation and fear or expectation of failure. I have put in a great deal of work to put fear and anxiety in their proper place, but have yet to take the next step. Deliberately confronting fear reduces and ultimately eliminates its control on behavior, but I will now work on realizing the potential that exists in freedom from…Continue Reading “September 23, 2016”
On Saturday, within minutes of arriving to the beach, we watched a guy pull a shark out of the ocean, put it back, and then I immediately went for a swim. In the evening, I walked to the pier. On Sunday we spent a lot of time on the beach and in the hot tubs and lazy rivers and I meditated on the beach. On Monday we went to the safari, which was almost definitely the best experience of my life, and went to the…Continue Reading “September 22, 2016”
Not quite halfway through and this has been, by far, without a doubt, the best vacation I’ve ever had. Today we played with tiger cubs, wolf pups, monkeys, and hand fed an elephant. And that was just the morning. We also went to the aquarium in the evening. It was an absolutely fucking amazing day. The experience, as a whole, fosters a sense of urgency for fulfillment in life. Seeing Adora’s tweet “best fucking day of my life,” hearing Suzi thank me repeatedly, hearing Kristen…Continue Reading “September 20, 2016”
Jon Stewart Interviews George Carlin: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCGGWeD_EJk I nearly neglected to watch the above video with George Carlin and Jon Stewart. I’m glad that I did. I’ve seen the interview before, but a point Carlin made regarding addiction struck home with much more impact this time. To paraphrase, he said that addiction progresses through three stages. In the beginning, your drug of choice is pure pleasure. As you continue to use, it becomes a mixture of pleasure and pain. And in the end, it is pure…Continue Reading “September 12, 2016”
I’m not sure what I expect to feel in the wake of failure. It’s as if I really believe it will be different this time around. I know that it’s a lie. But I also know how excited I was on the drive home Monday night, September 5. It was labor day and I had just finished working at two skilled nursing facilities while also being on call for Stratuswave. I felt utterly spent, but not angry or stressed. Nothing bad happened. And I think…Continue Reading “September 8, 2016”
While I am far from far, I am faring fairly well thus far. Rather than feeling the tension and stress build cumulatively without reprieve, I have had fleeting moments of reasoned anger and rationalized cravings. The fact that they pass is the most important distinction compared to previous experience. Each day I wake up grateful that I failed to falter in spite of my deliberate intentions to do so. I have been working far too many hours, sleeping far too little, and yet I am…Continue Reading “September 3, 2016”
I was a half a step away from a dance this evening. It just felt right. I was going to grab a pint and go to the game, reasoning the game would be more pleasant at least half a pint in. My mind was made up. It was going to happen. And then it didn’t. And I was grateful for the didn’t within a half an hour or so. I imagined how it would have felt to have been at the game half inebriated. I…Continue Reading “September 2, 2016”
My confidence continues to grow. I feel more and more comfortable taking on uncomfortable tasks. I am overall content, if not happy right now. The whispers of my deamon have been so subtle as to go completely unheard most days and that scares me a little. Is life only good right now because renunciation has been easy? What happens when it gets difficult again? I have also wondered about the renunciation and the relationship between ambition and motivation. It seems that the longer I go…Continue Reading “August 31, 2016”
I am a bit ambivalent about the previous week. I tackled the mind, body, and compassion domains, faired fair in the domain of money, and accomplished not one fucking thing around the house. The goals are written in a specific order for a reason. There is an intentional hierarchy. While I initially had some reservations about placing compassion third, I felt and I have found that taking care of my mental and physical health first puts me in a better position to accomplish goals of…Continue Reading “August 29, 2016”
Focusing on how I feel after not doing a thing has been helpful. I was upset several nights this week and I didn’t feel the urge to drink; however, I did visualize myself buying a pack of cigarettes or black and milds on multiple occasions. I refrained and was thankful each morning. I honed in on this and also explored what I’d be feeling had I given in … the taste in my mouth, the smell on my hands, the heavy feeling in my chest,…Continue Reading “August 27, 2016”
The aftermath of my last dance is still raw enough to perpetuate my renunciation. Also, we have planned to go to the beach the last week of September. I would like to enjoy this vacation with zero doubt that my faculties are in full order, especially since we have planned on the Myrtle Beach Safari, a thing I have wanted to do for many years now. My fight will likely begin again when we return from the beach, the first time I become angry. I…Continue Reading “August 25, 2016”
From an essay I wrote in undergrad called One-hundred-and-ten Days [fall of 2011 during my first nearly two year stint with sobriety]: I have not drank since July 21st. The theological philosophy covered in this course may not have helped effect this change as I expected, but it certainly had its role in the matter. The beginning of the semester was a turbulent time in my life. I had found my “rock bottom,” and it was in this state of despair and desperation that I…Continue Reading “August 22, 2016”
I’m not sure what to even write at this point. I do like my previous entry. Reading my list of goals is near akin to listening to a motivational speech that I wrote to myself. However, ending back in the same place over and over again is creating an undercurrent of resignation. In time, it could sweep me away into full blown learned helplessness. I made it about two weeks and then I had a dance with my deamon that may have surpassed what I…Continue Reading “August 21, 2016”
The impulse is already growing, subtle but steady, in less than two weeks removed from my most recent rock-bottom. Currently, it is a mere craving, and I can fight a craving no matter how strong. However, as the weeks wane on, the craving will combine with unbearable levels of stress, anger, and rationalization. I will define and then sharpen my weapons in the coming weeks to give myself the best chance possible. The goal is a minimum of six months. Broadly, my other goals are…Continue Reading “July 26, 2016”
Seven fucking years. I have been struggling with the exact same shit for seven fucking years. My most recent escapade resulted in calling off three days of work and having to talk with Suzi about it. The physical and psychological fallout was not the worst I’ve had, but in the top 10 for certain. Probably top five. It is not an exercise in superfluous poeticism to say that in dancing with my deamon, I trade ambition for apathy and confidence for complacency. The latter half…Continue Reading “July 24, 2016”
Jujitsu is a great deal more fun than drinking alone in my room. This should be self-evident, but deserves explicit declaration. Yesterday was a good day. Today was a good day. Confidence and ambition are being engendered through renunciation. Still the drive to dance lurks just beneath the surface. It’s power in patience and implied inevitability. It’s fairly easy until it’s not.
Tomorrow begins 20 straight days at the Hospital. Different life choices could have led me to prison, which would have been far worse, so I will attempt to keep that in mind for perspective. My primary goal in the next 20 days is to minimize other sources of stress while still moving forward in other arenas. Toward this end, I am delegating or deferring as much as possible. I am also attempting to create a bigger picture mentality with my do to lists. Categorizing into…Continue Reading “June 6, 2016”
Already, I can feel an increase in ambition and confidence. I can also, just barely, sense the rage and existential despair attempting to well its way up, growing steadily, subtly in intensity, ultimately begging to be washed away.
I have danced with my deamon. Not once or twice, but many times. I danced with a fervent frequency and a circumstance dictated sustainable intensity. No more than a pint a night, but more nights than not. After the first dance, I found myself enveloped in an uncomfortable fog that I was eager to shed. However, I also noticed that a few days later, when the fog had cleared, I felt better than the day before my dance. The anger was manageable again and I…Continue Reading “June 1, 2016”
I have been in a weird frame of mind the past few days. There is an undercurrent of uncertainty regarding self. It’s almost as if my ego is ill – there is a sourness to it. I finished [Neil] Strauss’ books, which may or may not have something to do with it. They left me in a weird mental state. My objective for the day is to re-center or at least be mindful of just how off-kilter I am so that I may get to…Continue Reading “April 16, 2016”
I really do hope that the fatigue and mental fog is a symptom of low thyroid hormones that will resolve once the medication has a chance to exert itself (I have taken two daily doses up to this point). I have moments wherein I feel absolutely certain that the mental clarity, memory access, reasoning skills, confident communication, and confidence in general are augmented considerably in sobriety. Then I have moments like now – wherein I have yet to break free of the sluggish, sleepy fog…Continue Reading “April 13, 2016”
Hypothyroidism. While not the greatest news, it is drastically better than the alternative. And it explains a lot. The fatigue, the mental fog, the depression, the mood swings, the blood work … maybe more ….. This weekend was likely my most difficult fight with my deamon. I missed a call from my doctor on Friday and it was after five when I noticed. While a definite diagnosis was all but impossible, I was certain it was more ambiguity to feed my fears. Just enough information…Continue Reading “April 11, 2016”
The past few days have been largely a distraction; however, I distracted myself by spending time with others rather than my deamon, whose call remains subtle yet strong. I lifted with George and Pat, went out to eat with Josh, bought him and Adora coffee, spent a lot of time with Suzi, went to Justin and Liz’s house, bought Suzi an orchid, etc. Still, tonight, the effort was deliberate. If I let my guard down, it’s over. Tomorrow may be the most trying day yet….Continue Reading “April 5, 2016”
I’ve slacked off a bit on the journaling not so much because I haven’t had good intentions to do so, but because my sleeping schedule has become ultra-fucked again and I have barely left myself time to meditate the past few morning – afternoons. I will likely be more active over the next few days at least as I’ve found this really does help me fight the good fight. I’ve had a few more close calls. A few nights ago I actually got dressed with…Continue Reading “April 2, 2016”
I made it, just barely. Driving past CVS last night, alone and about a half hour before closing, was one of the most difficult things I have accomplished in quite some time. We were in Pittsburgh visiting Suzi’s mother and I didn’t think there was any way we would have made it home, dropped of Suzi at work, and then dropped off Dave at his house before midnight when CVS closes. I didn’t even think that I would have the option. I was ambivalent about…Continue Reading “March 24, 2016”
My singular goal for the day, this the day of my birth, is don’t drink. It’s tough today. It’s my birthday, so it’s easy for me to rationalize that I somehow deserve it. And “deserve it” is probably better worded than “deserve to,” as the wording subtly implies negative consequence. It’s tough because I’ve been alone and will be alone most of the day. I like being alone … I’m not sure if I even know what lonely feels like … but I like being…Continue Reading “March 23, 2016”
My initial plan for today was one of active recovery. Perhaps take Angle for a walk, maybe through Oglebay with Suzi and Adora, and maybe Suzi could bring Dagon. Unfortunately, it is raining and cold. I may still take a walk with Angel, but we will walk alone. I also plan to laugh as much as possible, by whatever means possible. The underlying purpose in this plan was to find a way to recuperate without wasting an entire day scrolling through facebook, reading random articles,…Continue Reading “March 19, 2016”
I am making this entry at the end of the day as I slept as much as possible before the Ohio jurisprudence exam. On the way home from Morgantown I stopped in for a few rounds of jiujitsu and then went to Osaka with Josh. Also, Pandora was on point both on the way to and from Morgantown. It’s been a good day, all in all. With that said, squelching my deamon has been a deliberate effort since I got home. Finishing an exam is…Continue Reading “March 18, 2016”
In 2005, I had a bone marrow transplant. This culminated a five year battle with cancer. On this date in 2016, I had some test results come back which were concerning. Focus. I need to maintain focus. I had some blood work come back. My deamon isn’t overtly exerting itself, but it is there. Waiting. One trigger and it’s over. I had some blood work come back. My monocytes and calcium are both slightly elevated. Just slightly. But the two together combined with my medical…Continue Reading “March 17, 2016”
I have noticed my confidence returning. Conversations, including the job interview, have felt far more natural. Laden with wit, even. My free recall also seems to be less inhibited. This is all very motivating, but it would be foolish to fall into complacency. To ignore the fact that my deamon is just in the shadows. Lurking. Waiting patiently for the first opportunity to wield self-sabotaging rationalization.
To keep this page pointedly focused on my struggle with alcohol, I have largely omitted everything unrelated to the topic when posting my journal entries. This post, in addition to being a bit long and dull, deviates a little from that focus. I have included it as the entry summarizes some of the specific efforts I had been making to stay the course. I was making an honest effort to do all the “right things” to create a sober life and I still ultimately failed….Continue Reading “March 13, 2016”
Still at hospital with Suzi. All energy focused on that right now; however, I did manage to set up an interview for a local hospital next Monday, speak with a recruiter, and do a few other things in regards to obtaining employment as a PT.
I definitely didn’t come close to crossing everything off my list; however, I did spend more time with Adora. Suzi wasn’t feeling well, so I picked Adora up from school, took her to her doctors appointment, got a cup of coffee, and had her drive around the island. After making Suzi something to eat I had planned on going to Lowes, but decided to take a nap before jiujitsu instead. I got a few other things done, but I decided it was good enough and…Continue Reading “March 8, 2016”
Yesterday was even better than the day before. I did not get the laundry room finished, but that was largely due to some hiccups in our nightly plans and spending time with Suzi and Adora. It is also worth noting that I enjoyed socializing (Suzi and I watched the fights at Alex’s) far more with some distance between myself and my deamon. I definitely felt more confident … more “on.” It makes no difference if outward appearances are the same. My internal world is markedly…Continue Reading “March 6, 2016”
It could be my imagination or wishful thinking, but it feels as if there has been an increase in confidence and a reduction of anxiety and intellectual ineptness. The anger hasn’t come yet, though I must assume that it will, and need to be prepared for it. I am grateful things worked out the way they did. I have a very dramatic last drink to reflect upon when the urge strikes me. Also, I must not become complacent …. At some point these journal entries,…Continue Reading “March 4, 2016”
Not the most productive day yesterday, but it could have been worse. Much worse, all considered. The urge was strong and not indulged, so I won’t fault myself too hard for other failures.
The biggest take home from yesterday is that when I put forth effort, things tend to go right. I need to keep this in mind for when I put forth effort and things do not. Yesterday was a great day overall. I focused on all of the most important things, and the few things I didn’t get done, really don’t matter. Today my focus will be on finishing up the few things I didn’t get done yesterday, doing a little more research on the shoulder,…Continue Reading “March 2, 2016”
I do hope that this is something I keep up on. It is my good intention to do so. Especially until I find another outlet for writing, as I’m not sure how far stream of thought journaling will develop my skills as a writer. Maybe further than I think. I don’t know. I do know that I’m unlikely to read any of these entries again. And that there is a nearly zero percent chance that anyone else will. I think this is an important part…Continue Reading “March 1, 2016”
I guess this really is the only time I bother to open my journal. This time, nothing at all happened. I don’t think anyone even knows that I’d been drinking. But I believe I pushed myself closer toward alcohol poisoning than ever before. I drank a fifth two days in a row. I woke up after the second day, purchased a liter of whiskey, and then went to the Panda for food. I’d been up for hours and assumed I was fine. I guess I…Continue Reading “February 29, 2015”
Well. Fuck. I suppose written self-reflection reliably follows drunken self-sabotage. I wonder if I’ll ever journal much else than the consequences of my drinking. Suzi came home to find me passed out on the floor Tuesday morning. She has been at her mother’s for the past three days. I have been on a bender for the past three days. I had my last drink sometime before midnight on new years eve. I don’t know how long I will go without drinking this time. A few…Continue Reading “January 1, 2015”
Well …. Here I am again. I had intended to make a new entry several times in the past month or so. Each time involved me somewhat dramatically and pathetically not being the man I wish to be. Each time also involved me drinking away a break I had from school; it involved wasting time I had to get caught up on things, get ahead even, or at least enjoy my sloth in such a way that it didn’t leave me feeling sick for days…Continue Reading “May 27, 2014”
At the very beginning of 2014, filled with motivation and resolve, I decided to make a habit of journaling. I initiated the practice by utilizing a 31-day day challenge that I’d stumbled upon on the Art of Manliness blog. I stuck with it for eight days before skipping a couple of months. Day 1: Start with answering the question of why you want to journal, and beyond that, why you decided to embark on this 31-day experience. Write out what you’d like to get from journaling. Perhaps…Continue Reading “January 1, 2014”
From a list of new year’s resolutions for the year of 2014:no drinking for the month of january …. in all likelihood, I made it the month of January.
From a list of new year’s resolutions for the year of 2013: keep tight reigns on the booze. this is my one and only shot. …. I took several more shots at it.
The following is another message sent to the same friend on the topic of sobriety. This message was sent sometime after the novelty of not drinking had begun to wear thin. you know charlie, in general, and this has been true for a while, i’ve never felt quite so “tight” with an individual i’ve never actually placed a piece of myself upon. sobriety …. you know, there are some evenings that every ounce of effort i have goes into not doing a thing, and the…Continue Reading “November 22, 2011”
The following is a message I sent to a good friend while I was in the honeymoon phase of a nearly two-year stint with sobriety: something bad was definitely happening to me due to my drinking. toward the end, pretty much every night of drinking could guarantee me an hour or two on the toilet the following morning. and i didn’t sit down to “beershits” either. it was far more horrible than that. the experience was flu like. or maybe akin to food poisoning. it…Continue Reading “Letter to a Friend – June 2011”