I have been in a weird frame of mind the past few days. There is an undercurrent of uncertainty regarding self. It’s almost as if my ego is ill – there is a sourness to it. I finished [Neil] Strauss’ books, which may or may not have something to do with it. They left me in a weird mental state. My objective for the day is to re-center or at least be mindful of just how off-kilter I am so that I may get to the source of it. It is worth noting that I will be starting the Hospital on Monday and will begin working Saturdays at the there. I also intend to go to the FMS and SFMA seminar in Massachusetts next month [I did not go]. Not only are these new beginnings, but I am beginning them without closing any chapters that should probably be closed. I have yet to email Stratuswave [the internet company I still worked for – covering weekend calls and dispatches – at the time] regarding the trip and have some ambivalence regarding not putting in my two weeks. My plan is to simply work at the hospital while remaining on call and see how long I can get away with it. Perhaps the ambivalence is what is leaving the sour taste in my psyche. It would be ideal to simply cut loose ends and commit to the new future. However, I am still concerned about possible health problems. If worse came to worse and I were still working at Stratuswave, we would be able to get through it. If I quit Stratuswave and end up sick again, getting through it would be an entirely different endeavor.
Be happy. Don’t complain. Re-center.
