3:46 PM: I don’t think I will eat Sheetz again. It has reliably caused a fair degree of gastric distress the following day. [I most definitely ate Sheetz again]
I will continue to focus on letting go after addressing an issue to avoid overwhelm. The specific situation causing me the most discomfort, aside from last night’s Sheetz’ steak wrap and chicken salad, is whatever is going on with my left shoulder. My world tends to end at every little reminder: the weakness presents itself at the gym, my scapula clunks while lifting groceries onto the table, or my shirt fits a little looser on the left arm than the right. Even though nothing has changed or worsened, anything of the sort sends me into a downward spiral toward the worst-case scenario – what if it never recovers? (As I typed that last sentence it occurred to me that perhaps negative visualization practice would be helpful).
I have already reached out to Justin and Adrian, obtained a PT order through my physician’s office, and resumed lifting around it. I have done not just one thing, but multiple things and it does not benefit me to work myself into catastrophic despair several times a day. I want to get out the door to see my first and only patient of the day, but perhaps I could make this evening’s journal the negative visualization practice regarding my shoulder. What would happen if it never gets better? What could I still do? Could I fill the void with an alternative such as surfing? Could I still quack like a duck when I fuck?
2:17 AM: I was able to get past my own bullshit multiple times throughout the day. Unfortunately, the cumulative toll on my patience resulted in nearly losing my shit, driving to smoker friendly, and then smoking to make everything right with the world. The effectiveness of nicotine is uncanny. I don’t even get the head rush anymore. Even if I go weeks without smoking, the head rush is absent, I assume due to the wellbutrin. I would like to figure out why it works and replace it.
