I have danced with my deamon. Not once or twice, but many times. I danced with a fervent frequency and a circumstance dictated sustainable intensity. No more than a pint a night, but more nights than not. After the first dance, I found myself enveloped in an uncomfortable fog that I was eager to shed. However, I also noticed that a few days later, when the fog had cleared, I felt better than the day before my dance. The anger was manageable again and I felt comfortable. After further pondering in a proceeding drunken stupor, I came to the conclusion that, yes, I was less angry; however, my ambition had been drowned in alcohol induced complacency. And my confidence was halved at least.
So here I sit again to begin anew. No dramatics this time around. I have been working at the hospital 6-7 days per week and have not missed a day. I have not drank more than a pint, except for the first dance. When we came home after a week in the hospital due to Suzi’s appendicitis [this was the second incident with the same appendix and the second week spent in the hospital. The first time they were hesitant to operate because of the Chron’s involvement. The second time there was no choice], I was already on the edge, just waiting for something to push me over. When we came in, I found that the cat had been locked in my room for a day or two and had pissed on my meditation cushion. That night I drank two pints.
I do not wish to trade my ambition for apathy. My confidence for complacency. I also worry about the long term effects of a pint of whiskey each night, oft accompanied by tobacco. I also worry about the long term effects of being sucked into the kind of mediocrity a good, reliable income can foster. That, I think, would be worst of all.
Here’s to new beginnings in the mid-year. The goal is a danceless June followed by an evaluation. No drinking, no smoking. If I am no happier, nor making more marked progress towards my goals, then fuck it. I guess I’ll drink to be just as miserable as everyone else, which is quite content by my own standards.
