I would have really thought the entry I made on February 29 of this year would have described the absolute worst experience I’ve had with alcohol. This is an excerpt from that journal entry. Every single time, I say that is the worst I’ve ever felt. I say that one day someone is going to find me dead. And I mean it each time. Not because I have forgotten how bad it was the time before, but because it really is worse each time. I…Continue Reading “October 31, 2016”
I had an amazing week in Myrtle Beach. This past weekend, I played cards with Josh, Flowers, Mike, and their friend Chris. On Saturday, Suzi and I hung out with Justin and Liz. On Sunday, I lifted with Jonathan, then went to Mark’s for Linda’s birthday dinner, then met up with Simon and Julie at TJs thereafter. These is all the right things, no doubt. But I still got drunk as shit the day after we got home from the beach on September 26. I…Continue Reading “October 3, 2016”
I’m not sure what I expect to feel in the wake of failure. It’s as if I really believe it will be different this time around. I know that it’s a lie. But I also know how excited I was on the drive home Monday night, September 5. It was labor day and I had just finished working at two skilled nursing facilities while also being on call for Stratuswave. I felt utterly spent, but not angry or stressed. Nothing bad happened. And I think…Continue Reading “September 8, 2016”
I’m not sure what to even write at this point. I do like my previous entry. Reading my list of goals is near akin to listening to a motivational speech that I wrote to myself. However, ending back in the same place over and over again is creating an undercurrent of resignation. In time, it could sweep me away into full blown learned helplessness. I made it about two weeks and then I had a dance with my deamon that may have surpassed what I…Continue Reading “August 21, 2016”
Seven fucking years. I have been struggling with the exact same shit for seven fucking years. My most recent escapade resulted in calling off three days of work and having to talk with Suzi about it. The physical and psychological fallout was not the worst I’ve had, but in the top 10 for certain. Probably top five. It is not an exercise in superfluous poeticism to say that in dancing with my deamon, I trade ambition for apathy and confidence for complacency. The latter half…Continue Reading “July 24, 2016”
I have danced with my deamon. Not once or twice, but many times. I danced with a fervent frequency and a circumstance dictated sustainable intensity. No more than a pint a night, but more nights than not. After the first dance, I found myself enveloped in an uncomfortable fog that I was eager to shed. However, I also noticed that a few days later, when the fog had cleared, I felt better than the day before my dance. The anger was manageable again and I…Continue Reading “June 1, 2016”
I guess this really is the only time I bother to open my journal. This time, nothing at all happened. I don’t think anyone even knows that I’d been drinking. But I believe I pushed myself closer toward alcohol poisoning than ever before. I drank a fifth two days in a row. I woke up after the second day, purchased a liter of whiskey, and then went to the Panda for food. I’d been up for hours and assumed I was fine. I guess I…Continue Reading “February 29, 2015”
Well. Fuck. I suppose written self-reflection reliably follows drunken self-sabotage. I wonder if I’ll ever journal much else than the consequences of my drinking. Suzi came home to find me passed out on the floor Tuesday morning. She has been at her mother’s for the past three days. I have been on a bender for the past three days. I had my last drink sometime before midnight on new years eve. I don’t know how long I will go without drinking this time. A few…Continue Reading “January 1, 2015”
Well …. Here I am again. I had intended to make a new entry several times in the past month or so. Each time involved me somewhat dramatically and pathetically not being the man I wish to be. Each time also involved me drinking away a break I had from school; it involved wasting time I had to get caught up on things, get ahead even, or at least enjoy my sloth in such a way that it didn’t leave me feeling sick for days…Continue Reading “May 27, 2014”
At the very beginning of 2014, filled with motivation and resolve, I decided to make a habit of journaling. I initiated the practice by utilizing a 31-day day challenge that I’d stumbled upon on the Art of Manliness blog. I stuck with it for eight days before skipping a couple of months. Day 1: Start with answering the question of why you want to journal, and beyond that, why you decided to embark on this 31-day experience. Write out what you’d like to get from journaling. Perhaps…Continue Reading “January 1, 2014”
From a list of new year’s resolutions for the year of 2014:no drinking for the month of january …. in all likelihood, I made it the month of January.
From a list of new year’s resolutions for the year of 2013: keep tight reigns on the booze. this is my one and only shot. …. I took several more shots at it.