4:03 PM: I will be more mindful of granting myself pardon for the things I do not think to do, but harshening the shame severity for the things I think to do and then don’t.
I will need to keep this in mind while attempting to implement a bi-daily return to journaling. It was such an ingrained habit in the past that I did it while in the midst of a bender. However, I have strayed from the previously established neural pathway and it has overgrown with bullshit. My writing has suffered for the lapse for certain. I just have to remember that I will forget out of the gate.
Letter 45: Vices creep into our hearts under the name of virtues
This has been my Seneca quote for a few days now and for good reason. My worst vices manifest under the guise of virtue. I rationalize failure, quitting, and half-measures with a shameful level of skill. I must ask myself incessantly, “is this weakness?”
2:41 AM: Well. Life is most certainly about trade-offs. I managed to see nearly 20 patients in the last two days and also spend time with Suzi and Adora adequate enough that I’ll not be wrought with regret when Adora goes home. But it is also nearly 3 AM and I have several hours of notes to do before I go to bed. This is going to suck. However, at least I can be confident that on my deathbed, which sure sounds quite inviting right now, I’ll be grateful for the way in which I spent that time. Even if that specific time is lost in the hippocampal haze, I’ll be glad for the way in which I spent time with my family as a rule.
