12:21 PM: I anticipated a more dramatic transition phase in coming home. Thus far, it only feels surreal that I was surfing in Malibu a few days ago, not that I am home after two weeks away. And today it feels very odd that I do not have to go a facility or home health. It feels very odd to have the day off (though I’m working for Stratuswave) as if I haven’t missed a beat. I fell comfortably back into the deliberately established habits and rituals that I missed while gone and I am thankful for that.
Today I will focus on the notion of doing something when threatened with overwhelm. When I consider certain tasks or projects, I tend to mentally gridlock myself and create physical, visceral tension. I will practice disregarding the uncertainty and ambiguity and focus on the fact that doing something, anything, is a profound improvement over sitting on my dick and crying about not knowing what to do or creating an endless chain of contingencies. Even if the something I do does not actually move me objectively or tangibly closer to the end goal, I will at least have learned what not to do, which is still better than doing nothing and learning nothing.
3:11 AM: I surprised myself today. Suzi and I were arguing pretty intensely and I was on the cusp of slamming, throwing, or hitting something. I could feel the energy welling up, begging to be released in an ejaculation of violence unto whatever inanimate object was unfortunate enough to be close to me at the time. Instead, as Suzi was screaming her point at me, it registered that she was in pain and rather than breaking something I moved in and hugged her. I then insisted that she hug me back. As in, I took what she was holding from her hand and didn’t let up until she hugged me tight. I told her we’d both feel better in about a minute when the oxytocin was released. Afterward, she admitted that she did. I don’t recall ever experiencing a spontaneous moment of compassion in the heat of the moment before.
