4:15 AM (July 25): There is a palpable, impatient unease that comes with hedonistic indulgence and a calm, certain state of contentment that comes with discipline and reservation. I find myself uncomfortably distanced from the present when I flirt with the dismissive and permissive platitude and attitude of “I’m on vacation.” I only partially enjoy whatever indulgence while preemptively engaged in the next. I was most certainly more engaged with being disengaged last year, but I am most definitely not engaged with being engaged presently. Getting the most out of the rest of my vacation may very well be an exercise in getting more out of less.
For reference:
September 23, 2016:
A few thoughts ….
Rather than defining myself by my limitations, define myself by my potential. I have allowed my worth to be contingent upon self-imposed external validation and fear, or expectation, of failure. I have put in a great deal of work in putting fear and anxiety in their proper place, but have yet to take the next step. Deliberately confronting fear reduces and ultimately eliminates its control on behavior, but I will now work on realizing the potential that exists in freedom from its reigns. I will work on a potential mindset and allow limitations to sort themselves out.
Fulfillment is a never ending endeavor when perpetually present in the following moment. I regret nothing on this experience; however, there were so many instances in which my ability to be fully present in the moment was limited by thinking of the next pleasure just around the bend. While laying post- coitus, I attempted to remain present, and did so to some degree, but was also thinking about how much pleasure a walk and a smoke on the beach would provide. I was mindful of this, but still allowed future pleasures to cheapen present experiences.
The destination destroys the journey. My first few walks along the beach began by simply being mindful of the experience and the pleasure in it in and of itself. Then, once I honed in on a destination, the first pier, then the second pier, I began marching aimfully and mindlessly toward it. I even thought about telling everyone how far I walked the following day. On another walk I explicitly thought to focus on the quality rather than the quantity of my steps. And then I marched to the first pier, because obviously anything less would be a waste of the night. Tonight, I remained steadfast in my aimlessness and mindfulness and the effect was profound. I achieved far more in a fraction of the distance and time. With no destination in mind, my mind was free to experience the present. It was more effective. This is not to say that all of my life should be aimless, or that such a life would bring more fulfillment. Only that experience for the sake of it should be enjoyed as such. It makes no sense to set a goal of spending so many hours with family or friends and then stubbornly pushing toward that end rather than enjoying an indeterminate amount of time with them for its own sake.
Finding one’s purpose will be impossible through the murk of mindlessness. Simply pulling my attention back to the present will go a long way toward discovering what it is that I really want to do when I grow up. If I am never fully present, how will I know when a thing truly fulfills me or truly doesn’t?
I did better today than yesterday. Yesterday, I became trapped in a tumultuous tantrum led by rigidity and absolutism. I simply could not let “it” go, whatever “it” was. I allowed it to ruin a decent-sized chunk of an evening that could have been salvaged. Morning sex was the panacea and it made me consider the role of hormones in altering the entire universe by shifting my perspective.
All of this phenomenologically materializes a concept I’ve fully accepted and half practiced for a long time. Namely the cliché, happiness comes from the inside. Of course, so does unhappiness.
