2:44 PM: I definitely feel that something has been amiss in my brief period of journaling neglect. I didn’t miss an entire week, as there are entries in google docs I still need to copy over. The entries are there, and not here, as I was waiting on my new hard drive to arrive. I was waiting for the new hard drive to arrive because I slammed my fist down on the corner of my computer, killing the previous drive, over frustration with a dysfunctional piece of software. It wasn’t even the poor hard drive’s fault.
I have found myself ultimately wasting life. It is not that I have been unproductive, but that I have been so focused on being productive that I have left myself negative downtime. I have been sacrificing sleep to get everything done. It is likely because my goals have been task vs. time-oriented and that’s something I will consider. If it is 3:30 AM and I have written down that I will finish a segment of the SMART facilitator training (a daily goal for today, as I would have it), I will stubbornly grind through it. There is an undeniable sense of accomplishment in getting it done, but I cannot say that it is worth the cost. Perhaps I would do better to have a single task-oriented goal and ensure the rest are time-constrained. It is my good intention to explore the topic a little further this evening.
4:59 AM: I have been fairly frustrated as of late over my less than optimal lifestyle. While there is definitely room for improvement, it occurred to me as I walked downstairs a few minutes ago, to dispose of the remainder of this evening’s cigarettes, that I could be stumbling about wrecked off my tits rather than shorting myself an hour or two of sleep to cross a few things off my list.
It would have been ideal if were a few hours deep into slumber this moment. As it stands, I will not get quite enough sleep, and I will probably not be able to both make my meeting and take care of the yard work tomorrow. However, if I were sitting here sloshed this minute, tomorrow would be entirely awash. I would not be going to jujitsu. I would not have PRN hours. I would not be hanging out with Josh and Jonathan. I would not be preparing to go to the beach. I most definitely would not be concerned with optimizing. I would be surviving. That’s exactly how I spent my time nine months ago. In a perpetual state of survival secondary to alcohol-induced physical and psychological malaise. I was in a constant state of complacency and apathy. Now, I am dick hurt over failure to meet an ideal that was impossible to idealize nine months ago. There is no doubt I am in a better place. I still wish to move forward, but perhaps it would serve me well to periodically and deliberately remember from whence I came.
