12:45 PM: I will indulge an exercise in brevity as I would like to make it to jiujitsu as close to 1 as possible. Today, my focus will be on combating child-like rage with gratitude. Literally, actionably, each time indignation rears its infantile head, I will think of something I am grateful for. We’ll see how it goes.
It is also my good intention to come back to this in the evening. To reflect upon the day and explore the notion of priority.
1:17 AM (May 19): I was more angry today than I have been in a long time. My restraint was hanging by a delicate thread. I was on the verge of losing my shit. I nearly punched, threw, slammed, or otherwise unleashed violence upon a multitude of inanimate objects, sometimes several within a minute or two. It felt as if my entire being wound tight from the inside out.
I did not recall to combat a single moment of irrational rage with gratitude. Not a single one. There is actually some irony in the fact that I’d made my focus of the day around anger, became very angry, and then completely forgot what I’d set out to focus upon. Instead of deciding to be grateful, I decided to purchase a pack of cigarettes. I had no real desire to smoke, but I knew smoking would squelch the quasi-hysteria. I was positive it would and I was probably right.
However, I did not smoke. Mostly because the only item in the monetary category for my daily goals was to spend no money. I’ve taken to making a single daily goal for each category [goal categories: body, mind, relationships, money, house]. If I’d have had five goals, and met four, it may have been easier to disregard the no spending goal. It was definitely less easy to disregard when it was the only fucking goal on the list.
It is also worth noting that while I neglected to practice gratitude in near fits of rage today, I am quite grateful now that I refrained from binge smoking. I predict that I will also be grateful tomorrow. Also, there was space between each impulse and each action that nearly came to be, but didn’t. I am grateful for that space. It wasn’t always there.
