1:59 PM: Waking up without an alarm each day has been pretty awesome. However, I do wonder, from time to time, if I might be a little better off waking up a little earlier. I may want to at least give it a shot.
I am approaching the half-way point of the year and have yet to reflect back upon what I’ve actually accomplished, if anything. It doesn’t feel like much of anything. I have been working too much and have about the same amount of money in the bank as I did in January, which is fucked.
I am also approaching, or more than likely have surpassed, my half-way point in life. And I still feel listless and underwhelmed with my lack of prospects for purpose. I feel a sour, indignant dread when I think about the fact that I am nearly 40 and that does not leave me time to truly master anything, even if I have yet to pass my life’s half-way point. That may not be entirely true, as people often report mastery, or close enough, in approximately 10 years, but it is almost definitely true that I will not be able to reflect back upon a skillset that I’ve built over 30 or 40 years.
I’m nearly 40, I’ve earned a doctorate in a field I like, which is fucked in and of itself considering where I come from and the hand I was dealt, and, in spite of that, I still have no idea what the fuck I want to do when I grow up, even though I may be very nearly dead.
While I’m grateful to be absent a true urge, writing that out makes me miss drinking to no small degree. The complacency and apathy were comforting and assuaging.
I do not have any patients to see tomorrow. I will sit down and review this year in regards to my goal of elimination, consider freedom as the overarching goal towards which elimination works, and my newly pontificated concept of “the one thing,” even though I don’t think I’m quite sucking this book’s dick. I like the concepts, but I think I’m just giving it an unenthusiastic tug job.
