Today was my first day back at jiujitsu in a little over a month. April 6 is my last entry for rounds in my training log and that sounds about right, though I didn’t think it had been quite that long ago.
I was just sitting down to mediate when Josh texted me a message that artfully combined passive aggressiveness and sarcasm (i.e., “nice to see you at grappling) with direct insults (i.e., “pos”). I smiled, taking the abuse as his way of telling me how much he loves me. It then dawned on me that I actually could make grappling. I only had two patients for the day and one cancelled (or rather she saw her surgeon who told her that she couldn’t see me no more because I done too good and she had to go to outpatient two and a half weeks after a knee replacement).
I decided not to go, put my phone aside, and started my meditation timer. Then, the amount of deliberation that took place within 2 minutes or so was astounding. I had decided to go and not to go half a dozen times at minimum. Even after getting dressed, I decided not to go based mostly on the seeming futility of going. If my caseload picks back up, will it be another four weeks before I go again? If that should be the case, what is the point? I thought of all the things I could get done today and that rolling would set me back at least two hours with a shower and the post-roll bullshitting I could, but wouldn’t, refrain from. Ultimately, the fact that I enjoy rolling and the power of “fuck it” were victorious. My meditation timer went off in the mat room.
I had a great six rounds with Josh, AJ, and Eric. I learned some things. It refreshed my resolve to finally get my blue belt and enter a few competitions. I was thankful that I was no longer back at square one after a few weeks off. I could not have done as many rounds if the intensity were picked up, but I was still thinking while rolling. I was actively trying to figure out the best action and reaction in each situation. The majority of the time, my ideas may be fucked, but it’s still an improvement upon trying to force my way out of what I can and stubborn my way through the rest. Today reminded me of how much fun it would be to really get better at the sport.
With that said, I am also intrigued by the notion of the “one thing.” I am reading a new book, so, of course, I am sucking that book’s dick. Though I am only a few chapters in, the idea of narrowing my focus to become more effective sounds both promising and far less stressful than my current approach. This is, after all, the year of elimination. I figure nearly halfway through the year is as good of a time as any to actually begin purging some dead weight. And I have no idea as of yet where anything fits into that paradigm.
