11:50 AM: At some point, and I do not believe it was that long ago, within the last year or possibly two years, meditating has become such an integral part of my day, such a fundamental piece of my transition from slumber into the waking world, that it simply feels weird not to do it. Prior to that, it was definitely a thing that I needed to do. I enjoyed it more often than not, but if I were busy, it was a source of stress. At this point, if I am busy and or stressed, I tend to value and enjoy meditation the most.
I hope to create the same mindset with journaling. That these entries will simply become something I do and it will feel weird not to do it. I will no longer make it a point to do it; it just gets done. Toward that end, I will make it a point to write once or twice a day, but with just loose enough reigns that doing so does not become a dread.
Today I will focus on listening at least as much as I run off at the fucking mouth.
12:24 AM (22nd) : There is a dude just sitting on my porch. Pissed. It’s Josie’s dad. Apparently he had no idea they were going to a concert tonight. He had no idea because Suzi told him that she was taking the girls dress shopping. She even texted him to say there were about done and would be heading home soon. Suzi was at work when she texted him that. Apparently one of Josie’s friends posted a pic with Josie in it from the concert and it got back to her dad. It’s one thing for Josie to have pulled one over on her parents and for me to stand there clueless. It’s another to have to explain why your significant other would lie to another parent as a cover. He was pissed about the concert and even more pissed when he realized that Josie had driven. He’d had a half hour conversation with Suzi the day before about how Josie had been in and out of trouble. Whole thing is fucked.
I will say that had I been drinking when this all occurred, it would have definitely been worse. Whether it can be attributed to the wellburtrin, the l-theanine, or the years of deliberate work, I was able to remain calm and just talk to the guy and apologize for Suzi’s behavior. I told him that she’s been so desperate to get Adora out of the house to do anything that she compromised a value that I wouldn’t have to get it done. I offered him something to drink and I offered for him to come in, but he declined. I also spoke to his ex wife on the phone. I’m not sure either of them expected for me to be blatantly honest and apologize. I think it was somewhat disarming. Dude is still pissed though. I don’t blame him. I feel bad for him, but I was still able to eat my giant meal and watch a youtube video while he was sitting out there. Got shit to do.
Girls are home.
Few last things worth noting. At one point the guy asked how I knew Adora was telling me the truth about what was going on at the concert. I told the guy that Adora doesn’t lie to me. It looked like it stung a little when I said it, as his kid apparently makes it a point to lie to him. I kinda felt like a dick, but all considered, I’m also glad to be able to say it. After they left, I told Adora what I’d said to Josie’s dad and stressed how much I value her honesty with me. I also told her that no matter how busy I am, I will always make time for her. That she will always be my first priority. I said that I was sorry if I haven’t outright said that enough and took it for granted that she knew that. It was weird timing (I noted the fact explicitly).
I was also asked to host a few SMART meetings while Valery is unavailable next month. While I’m already overwhelmed, this is an additional responsibility that I’m happy to add. I almost didn’t go tonight because of work and I’m glad that I did. We talked about finding engaging activities to fill the open space left by the absence of our using. We made lists. Mine included learning to surf, entering a jiujitsu meet, picking up the bass again, etc. After everyone read their lists I noted that creative outlets and spending more time outside were common threads. Then it hit me that everyone’s list, including my own, was missing a crucial piece.
I told the group of how I’d talked to my two best buddies in the whole wide world (hi guys) about getting together once a week to watch It’s Always Sunny. I said that the idea sounded nice, but I didn’t think it would ever happen. That the one guy is another PT as busy as I am and the other guy is a professional athlete who trains multiple times a day every day. We all wanted it to happen, but it seemed unlikely that we’d be able to coordinate schedules. Then we did it. And I told them that it has been the single most important change I’ve made in my life in many years. That it has been profoundly fulfilling. I told the group that as we sit here, we are all rushing swiftly toward death. We are actively dying. I said that at least once every Thursday night for the past several weeks, I’ve laughed so hard it was difficult to breathe. If I hadn’t made time for that, my life would have less value. Having made time to build bonds with my best buds will making dying easier.
To be fair, even though I neglected that aspect of my life in my list tonight, I did deliberately neglect everything else to spend time with Suzi on Saturday and I was very glad that I had.
