10:59 AM: After grinding away at journaling in a somewhat obligatory fashion for several weeks and then neglecting it entirely for several weeks, I’ve come to the conclusion that there is a definite profit in the process itself, though, perhaps, I could avoid austerity.
I will make it a point to journal twice a day, more days than not. To refute the subtle sloth that sometimes makes getting started difficult, but to refrain when the act legitimately feels like a chore. I want writing to be an act of rejuvenation and motivation, not a necessary evil on the path to becoming a better man.
Today will be mindful of my egocentrism and remain present with others, in spite of frustrations that are sure to arise.
3:33 AM: Today I took my first dose of wellbutrin. The l-theanine had already seemed to make a difference and the wellbutrin appears to have a similar, stronger effect. The l-theanine may or may not accentuate the wellburtirn in a similar fashion as it does caffeine. I do feel that life is more manageable in general and don’t really give a shit if it’s a placebo, so long as it persists.
I have a sense that my time is running out. Rather than allowing the feeling to move me with urgency, I’ve allowed it to paralyze me with the pointlessness of it all. I’ve been contemplating the wisdom in unbridled hedonic indulgence, which sounds an awful lot like a midlife crisis.
I am hoping that my current concoction of nootropics and an actual honest to goodness drug will clear the fog enough to allow me to actively, aggressively seek out fulfillment.
Spending time with Josh and Jonathan this evening was therapeutic, as always. I believe a big part of that is due to the copious amounts of laughter. At least once every Thursday evening I’ve laughed hard enough that it was difficult to breathe. I am at my absolute happiest when I am laughing, and I have always enjoyed making others laugh. Perhaps finding a written medium to indulge in humor warrants further pursuit.
