9:28 AM: There are no free lunches. I have made a mental note of this before. Smoking undoubetably helps in the short term. Whatever was festering in my psyche is effectively squelched and replaced with a calm motivation. However, invariably, when I set the cigarettes back down, anger follows. I will be mindful of this today. Careful.
11:56 PM: I have not lost my shit this day. For the most part. I did not lose my temper, but I did break down and get Long John Silver’s on the way home. It was so fucking good and then so fucking bad. I’m glad it happened because I wish it hadn’t. It will be something to look back on to combat future urges of all kinds.
There is an eight week beginners boxing class starting at the Bullpen and the fact that I’d really like to do it has me feeling a little lost. If I pursue jiujitsu the way I would like to, that would put me in the gym seven days a week, with two two-a-days (lifting and jiujitsu). If I add boxing, I will have two three-a-days or four two-a-days. If simply being in the gym were my end game, this would not be an issue. It’s not that I would mind being in the gym a few more hours a week. However, it makes it very clear that I still have no idea what the fuck my end game is.
Do I want to turn 50 having spent my 40s in the gym and accomplished nothing else? Maybe I do. I would definitely like to figure it out.
