I had an amazing week in Myrtle Beach. This past weekend, I played cards with Josh, Flowers, Mike, and their friend Chris. On Saturday, Suzi and I hung out with Justin and Liz. On Sunday, I lifted with Jonathan, then went to Mark’s for Linda’s birthday dinner, then met up with Simon and Julie at TJs thereafter. These is all the right things, no doubt. But I still got drunk as shit the day after we got home from the beach on September 26.
I had planned on resting and recovering Monday in the day and then heading off to jiujitsu in the evening. On the way home, I was asked if I was available to work at Moundview. I definitely needed the hours and agreed to do so. I ended up at Moundview until it was too late to go to jiujitsu. I was too tired to lift. So, with nothing wrong in particular, I purchased a pint of Bullet Bourbon, a half pint of Smirnoff, and some smokes. The following day, I purchased a pint of Jack and a four pack of Founder’s Breakfast Stout. The fallout from this was actually not bad. I definitely didn’t feel great on Wednesday, but there was no feeling of dying. My stomach didn’t do the things it typically does that I associate with a bender. I’m still not sure if this was a positive or negative outcome.
I am back to rationalizing that an evening of controlled depravity every few weeks is just what the doctor ordered. I even read an article recently that stated that those who self-medicate with booze may actually achieve real, bio-chemical results that may last for up to two weeks. Of course, the conclusion of the article was not, bottoms-up you sad sack of shit, but it still validated my self-destructive behavior in some way. I’m not spiraling out of control every few weeks or months for no good reason, I’m providing treatment.
If I were somehow able to stick to a bi-monthly binge, and reel it in the way I did on the last one, it would likely be effective without serious consequence indefinitely. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that this is not the way things will work out. I already spent the entire day today, from the time I opened my eyes until now, trying to rationalize my way to the bottle. I had even decided to do so several times. I finally convinced myself to at least go to jiujitsu, and then see if I still wanted to drink afterwards. I am glad that I committed to drill with Josh before open mat tomorrow, or I’d probably be drunk right now.
I also just ready my post from September 3. How happy I was then, simply because I had not faltered, makes me sad right now.
Confidence over complacency. Ambition over apathy. Don’t complain, be happy, stay focused.
Goals revisited / restated:
sharpen my analytical ability, improve writing , broaden vocabulary, increase my orthopedic knowledge, decrease body fat and increase stamina and mobility, help others without throwing quite so much money at things, strengthen bonds with family and friends, create passive income, spend less, get the house rent-ready, create a garage gym.
