While I am far from far, I am faring fairly well thus far. Rather than feeling the tension and stress build cumulatively without reprieve, I have had fleeting moments of reasoned anger and rationalized cravings. The fact that they pass is the most important distinction compared to previous experience. Each day I wake up grateful that I failed to falter in spite of my deliberate intentions to do so. I have been working far too many hours, sleeping far too little, and yet I am leaking anger and stress somewhere, and it isn’t facilitated by the bottle. This may very well be facilitated by the fact that there are real world tangible positive consequences this time around. Rather than being so overwhelmed with school or whatever else, I wind up over-indulging in shitty food or sloth or whatever to cope when I don’t drink, I’ve been able to remain comfortably steadfast on all fronts. Things are going well in the gym, my waist continues to shrink while I hover around 190, I have been making jiujitsu at least twice a week, I have clarity in spite of sleep deprivation , my confidence and ambition continue to grow, my sleep quality has improved, I have been spending quality time with Suzi and Adora (though not enough of it), I have been helping other people as often as possible, and, perhaps the most odd of developments of all, I have been more patient. I haven’t gotten more skilled at managing my anger, rather, I have been less angry, even when I do get angry. It’s kinda fucked.
