My confidence continues to grow. I feel more and more comfortable taking on uncomfortable tasks. I am overall content, if not happy right now. The whispers of my deamon have been so subtle as to go completely unheard most days and that scares me a little. Is life only good right now because renunciation has been easy? What happens when it gets difficult again?
I have also wondered about the renunciation and the relationship between ambition and motivation. It seems that the longer I go without drinking the more my confidence and ambition increase; however, my motivation eventually wanes into an outright deficit. I recall clearly that the last semester of undergrad when I was sober for over a year, was my worst semester of all. I simply could not bring myself to do the work that came so easy when I was a raging alcoholic. I noticed the same thing when preparing for boards. I believe I was several months sober and simply did not study until a week or so before taking the exam. I passed, but I could have done better, and it could have ended badly. I still wonder if drinking provides a dopamine fix that lasts for several weeks. Admittedly, I know nothing of the kinetics of dopamine. Perhaps I should learn a little about dopamine.
