I’ve slacked off a bit on the journaling not so much because I haven’t had good intentions to do so, but because my sleeping schedule has become ultra-fucked again and I have barely left myself time to meditate the past few morning – afternoons. I will likely be more active over the next few days at least as I’ve found this really does help me fight the good fight.
I’ve had a few more close calls. A few nights ago I actually got dressed with the intention of succumbing to my deamon. Playing Dark Souls as a distraction was a huge mistake. I yanked the power cord within 10 minutes in an infantile rage-quit and the frustration nearly pushed me over the edge. I’ve also had some dangerous rationalizations: I have no other outlet. I deserve it. I am worried. A pint and a pack would be heaven and I probably would suffer no ill effects the following day.
My retaliation efforts have been focused on the anxiety fallout, the intellectual and creative repercussions, and a rock bottom that could finally kill me. Right now I am worried, sure, but I am largely able to control it. I can live on my own terms – I can focus on the fact that I am in control (when Josh sent me a Walter White youtube video I was a little surprised by its profound relevance to my current situation, though I should have expected no less from Josh – he is a good friend). I can also distinctly recall the heaviness of my cerebral confabulation just a few weeks ago. I still get periods of brain fog, but it isn’t so thick and turbid. Both of these would likely be fairly inconsequential consequences after a pint; however, it would never end there. I would purchase a fifth within a week or two and if my final breaking point was worse than the last, as it typically is, it could finally kill me.
Be happy. Don’t complain. Stay focused.
