My singular goal for the day, this the day of my birth, is don’t drink. It’s tough today. It’s my birthday, so it’s easy for me to rationalize that I somehow deserve it. And “deserve it” is probably better worded than “deserve to,” as the wording subtly implies negative consequence. It’s tough because I’ve been alone and will be alone most of the day. I like being alone … I’m not sure if I even know what lonely feels like … but I like being alone just a little better when I’m drunk. Being alone is actually a trigger. In the past, I would decline going to hang out with my classmates on a Tuesday night [whiskey tuesdays] so that I could be alone and drink. Other people are an impediment to inebriation. I have a goal in mind, and having anyone else around kinda fucks it up.
It’s also tough because I am worried. I have not heard back yet. I will leave it at that. I do not want to put my concerns in writing here. Not because I believe it will magically manifest itself into some physical effect on outcome, but because it will have a palpable subjective affect. Now and in the future.
I caught myself digging the hole of martyrdom multiple times today and put a stop to it. My previously alluded to concerns may be a big part of that. I had this underlying visceral urge to keep my phone on silent, not check facebook, to basically disappear for the day and make sure no one could do anything nice for me or say anything nice to me. I was able to at least circumvent the behavior if not cease the impulse.
In addition to not drinking today, I would like to set a few long term goals tonight. A few resolves for my new year. I will think about these on my way to Pittsburgh to visit Suzi’s mother. I honestly believe that I am finally on the path I’ve been struggling to get to for the past decade. I did not succumb to my deamon today. I had every excuse and, all considered, Suzi and Josh may not have even faulted me for it. I remained steadfast not because I was worried of letting others down, but for my own sake, and that’s the only way I can do this long term.
Be happy, stay focused, don’t complain. I like it.
