Well …. Here I am again. I had intended to make a new entry several times in the past month or so. Each time involved me somewhat dramatically and pathetically not being the man I wish to be. Each time also involved me drinking away a break I had from school; it involved wasting time I had to get caught up on things, get ahead even, or at least enjoy my sloth in such a way that it didn’t leave me feeling sick for days and affect other aspects of my life, such as my performance in the gym and making time for friends and family. It involved me feeling like a pathetic piece of shit.
The last few times I drank, I lost an entire day. Not the day I drank. And I don’t mean that I lost productivity on the following day due to a hangover. I mean to say that I missed the following day altogether. The last evening I drank was Thursday, May 22. I finished up and passed out around 7am Friday morning. I awoke around 7:30 am Saturday morning. I laid passed out on the floor for just over 24 hours. The two times before that were almost as bad.
I had coordinated the last several drinking nights directly after finishing up exams or some other large project with school. As such, I could afford to be 100% unproductive the following day. These binges just happened to coincide with Suzi and Adora being out of town, so it was a complete free-for-all. I didn’t bother to invite anyone over to join me, as that would have interfered with what I was trying to accomplish. That is, except for this past Thursday.
I invited my good friend over and Suzi and Adora were not out of town. I knew we purchased way too much alcohol and I’m not sure what I expected, but the result was that I was still drinking at 7 am when Suzi returned home from work. I did not break anything or throw anything when she began yelling at me. There was no “incident” so to speak. Except the incident of destroying my girlfriend’s trust, as she really didn’t know I had been hiding my drinking for the better part of a year.
So here I am, once again. A floundering sack of fucked, who broke his girlfriend’s heart again, who disappointed himself once again. This is not who I want to be. I had “controlled” my drinking for quite some time insomuch as I managed to hide it, and hiding it compartmentalized and moderated it. However, the first time Suzi and Adora left town, I gave myself a two day hangover. Apparently, I got a taste for this and decided to repeat the experience. Maybe it’s fortunate that I did get caught. I wonder how close I was to alcohol poisoning this last time. I wonder if my family could have come home from their next trip to find me dead for however many days.
I have no idea where I’m going. I know that I feel motivated for “great big changes” right now. I know I’ll even be able to implement them for a while. Maybe a long while. I know that this will eventually get boring, as it does, and some severely dysfunctional part of me will want to tear myself down to rock-bottom once again. I know that I’m never more motivated than when I’m dragging myself back up. I don’t know where I’m going, but I know that I wanted to document this, because I want to be able to look back and remember where I was. I really do wish I had made an entry the first night after I did this. Or even sometime Sunday, when everything was far more raw. When I still felt like I’d taken a few rounds of chemo and there was nothing I could do to make it better. When I thought about how stressful the next several weeks of school were going to be, and how I could have avoided it. When I was pretty sure Suzi was leaving this time. I don’t know where I’m going. I just hope it’s not the same place I always find myself. I hope I’m not going here.
