3:46 PM: The sticky quality of anger fucking pisses me off. There is a gravity to it. Like a black hole. It can be escaped prior to the event horizon, but it becomes impossible thereafter. And it becomes impossible to escape because I simply don’t want to. I believe it to be the only negative emotion with a positive feedback loop.
In the past, when I became very jealous, I did not wish to become more jealous. I would grasp at any opportunity for relief. The same for sadness. But when I’m angry, I can literally think of a way to be less angry, and I’m like, “fuck that.” I not only want to remain angry, but I want to become more angry.
I have a feeling I will get to explore this phenomenon thoroughly in the near future when I attempt to quit the nicotine lozenges. It will be a fucking expedition. And perhaps I’ll retreat back to familiar pharmacological grounds in short order.
Letter 45: the happy man is not he whom the crowd deems happy . . . but he whose possessions are all in his soul
I do not want for a lot, but it’s probably still too much.
