12:00 PM: It is interesting the way anger tends to feed itself. And there is a perverse sense of satisfaction in the whole thing.
I was mildly irritated yesterday when our plans had changed because of Suzi’s work. I was a little more irritated when she got home and did not want to go to Kroger because she was tired and it was cold outside. I would have went to Kroger directly after lifting, but was waiting to go with her. Because she asked me to. This was mildly irritating. Still, not wishing to go grocery shopping after a long day and discovering the weather had turned does not a bad person make.
Then, this morning I awoke to the sudden termination of all my white noise. Suzi had tripped a breaker and my fan suddenly ceased fanning. I was not angry about this and I used the opportunity to relieve my slumber swollen bladder. On the way back to bed, Suzi intercepted me and asked about using my card to go grocery shopping. I replied that I needed it to go to the store myself. I’m not sure what she said next, but I repeated that I needed to go to the store myself, and did so like a whiney child.
I was tired and half asleep. I do not fault myself even if I was being mildly vindictive in withholding funds. However, I laid there, having some difficulty falling asleep, and allowed shenpa to run amuck. It seems as if, left unchecked, I am will nurture the indignation indefinitely. Allowing it to fester like an infected wound on my consciousness. When I finally awoke again, I was still angry, and still feeding it. Even as I meditated, all the ways in which I could directly and passively assert aggression, lay guilt trips, and withdraw were entertained. This ultimately led to going further down the rabbit hole of a lover’s animosity than I care to admit.
I will do my best this day to squelch shenpa. I will focus on how much better I personally felt yesterday when, instead of giving Suzi a guilt trip for having to work late, I ordered pizzas for her office. The act put me in a better place for sure. Suzi said how much everyone appreciated it. Everyone said what a nice guy I must be. I told her to tell them that it was actually a conveniently fabricated façade to obfuscate my true nature. The comment was only half in jest or perhaps not in jest at all.
12:30 AM: I had multiple opportunities to indulge indignation today. I am grateful that I declined each one. Instead, I had a really good time carving pumpkins with the girls. And instead of getting angry when Adora complained there wasn’t any food (there is always lots of food), I bought her and Kristen pizza. I specifically did this to improve the odds of having said good time carving pumpkins. It was effective, though I should probably not get into the habit of buying everyone pizzas for everything.
