I will consider if a shift in motivation is necessary. Do I need to focus more directly on what makes me happy or am I already too selfish? Perhaps my selfless acts are simply masked self – (dis)serving, indulgent martyrdom.
3:14 AM (Los Angeles): This will be my last evening entry in California and on my two week hiatus. My next evening entry will be from home. I definitely have mixed feelings about it. I wasn’t really happier on vacation than at home. Perhaps less so, as my routines, which have been deliberately, purposefully established, were disrupted. I still managed to meditate each day, save for the first day in San Francisco, but it was difficult and the two weeks were mostly chaos. I was probably less happy on vacation than at home, save for today.
Today I decided to sit the day out and let the girls go to Malibu without me and I’m grateful that I changed my mind. If I hadn’t let go of that resent … If I’d indulged animosity, I wouldn’t have surfed in Malibu with a dude named Steve. Steve had white dread locks and a giant pot belly. After I’d failed to find a business who could offer me lessons on such short notice, Cosmo told me I could find Steve in the parking lot, where he let people “borrow” surf boards. I managed to stand up for a few seconds on my second wave and caught another that made Cosmo proud. I know that’s true, because Cosmo later told me he was proud of me. Steve also verbalized excitement. Cosmo and Steve are alright.
I was happy when I was surfing. Even while I was wiping out. I was happy. And it almost didn’t happen. I’d called four or five places and walked to a surf shop a few blocks down the street and when all of those had failed, I’d given up. Cosmo, completely at random, made it happen simply by asking me if I’d tried surfing while in Malibu and then directing me to the dude in the parking lot. And he may have inadvertently changed the course of my life in doing so. I was happy when I was surfing and I want to prioritize the pursuit of a coastal habitat.
The fact that I was happy is especially remarkable as I had spent the prior evening wondering if such a state were even possible. While waiting in line for the Guardians of the Galaxy ride at Disneyland, I realized that I was not nervous. This was odd, because I could recall very clearly how nervous I was at Kennywood last October. I was petrified. Yesterday, the feeling simply was not there. I thought for sure that the anxiety would spike as soon as I sat down or as soon as the ride started or as soon as I hit the first drop. But, nothing. I even messaged Josh and Jonathan describing the situation and stating that it must mean I am dead inside. The message wasn’t really in jest. While I certainly will not miss anxiety for the sake of it, it made me worry that perhaps I could no longer feel positive emotions as intensely either. I am grateful that Cosmo and Steve showed me otherwise.
