1:29 PM: Without fail and without exception it is my choice to invite suffering into my mind. It is my choice to destroy my universe by poisoning my perception.
My poison of choice tends to be a combination of clinging and ridged idealism. The clinging may be what ultimately leads to the reduced frequency but inevitable temper tantrums. Before I punched the last wall I punched I had become angry over many minor annoyances. I tend to cling to all the little angers and allow them to seed resent and animosity. I tend to cling to anger because of rigid idealism and the anger feeds the idealism. They form a (dys)symbiotic and reciprocating relationship. The idealism is not of the variety that propels one toward growth and improvement. It is a state of setting a typically unrealistic standard and then refusing everything and anything, even the things unrelated to the situation, once the standard is not met.
I will focus on simply letting go. When I feel the false dichotomy of extremes, all or nothing thinking, being self-perpetuated, I will mentally and or verbally repeat “let go.”
3:54 AM: I was, at minimum, moderately successful in the practice of letting go today. It is liberating, primarily in the act itself, and secondarily in the circumvention of stress culmination. It’s most profound effect is the interruption of all or nothing thinking. I am more likely to seek and execute the most fun option available in any given situation when I am not clinging to the sadomasochistic satisfaction of spiteful ruination.
There are multiple things I let go today that had the potential to ruin at least today if not bleed into following days. As I sit here, I am grateful that I done what I done instead of doing what I usually did. I am also grateful that I got to go parasailing with Adora and Kristen, with Suzi riding as a passenger in the boat, I was able to take my sister downtown, I was able to see Joe, I passed ball with Mark and Suzi in the ocean, and I didn’t lose my shit when a take out place forgot my burger after making me wait over a half hour for a pickup order I’d called in more than 45 minutes before arriving.
