3:47 PM: I decided to make a late first entry so that I could devote more time to it, but I’ve just now accepted hours in Newcomerstown (with drive time), so I’m not sure I’ve put myself in a much better position. I can leave whenever I want, but just the fact that it is hanging over my head is a distraction.
Nothing stands out as a pattern of failure in a quick review of June’s goals. I missed a few spending limits and a few things with the house, but there was typically a good reason and nearly everything was accomplished in the end. Overall it was a good month and I’m convinced that a single goal per category is the way to go. Looking around my room now is evidence enough of that. Many of the goals I set for addressing things that had been let go for months (if not years) took 10 – 20 minutes per night, but they’ve added up.
On the introspective front, I’ve been pondering my personality and the affect wellbutrin has on it. I am definitely less reactive overall. By whatever mechanism the urges are controlled, reactivity may be largely diminished as well. However, I’ve also noticed that without the reactivity, I feel a little dead inside. I feel dead inside, but it’s not necessarily bad. It is an emptiness, void of bad. From a pragmatic standpoint, it’s perfect. I’m not drinking, I’m not smoking, and I’m not breaking things. But I’ve begun to wonder if who I am as a person is largely urge driven, and if I am really me in my current state.
3:28 AM: I have compromised sleep too many days in a row. It is beginning to wear on me.
