1:47 PM: I feel fragmented and fatigued. The feeling of fragmentation stems from acting unreasonably and neglecting one facet of my person almost entirely. It is a lack of integrity.
The source of the fatigue is less obvious. It definitely is not due to a lack of sleep in hours and the quality also seems to be more than adequate. I was asleep sometime around 4 am and awoke at 1 pm with vivid dreams and no trouble staying asleep in between. I really do wish to give a more normalized sleeping schedule an honest go. I’ve even made goals of being in bed, reading, at a certain time the past few days, but I haven’t moved the mark the slightest. The fatigue may be from a sleep schedule that is a bit fucked no matter how much I gravitate towards it, from a caloric deficit with consistent jiujitsu practice and increased lifting volume, perhaps my thyroid levels have went awry, or, of course, I always wonder if I am dying.
I don’t even wish to write the word. I say it frequently in morbid jest, but rarely write it. I searched for it just now and not a single instance in the 2017 journal. Only one single instance in 2016.
August 27, 2016
Focusing on how I feel after not doing a thing has been helpful. I was upset several nights this week and I didn’t feel the urge to drink; however, I did visualize myself buying a pack of cigarettes or black and milds on multiple occasions. I refrained and was thankful each morning. I honed in on this and also explored what I’d be feeling had I given in … the taste in my mouth, the smell on my hands, the heavy feeling in my chest, the odd feeling in my neck, and, most of all, the guilt for tempting the cancer gods with my stupid bullshit.
It may do me well to utilize the practice of negative visualization here in the journal. It would ensure that I explore a topic thoroughly and it would also provide a vehicle to practice descriptive writing. Even as I suggest this to myself, I am surprised by the aversive magical thinking that attempts to exert itself, when I often boast that I am free from such bullshit. As if writing it out will somehow invite it to materialize.
5:10 AM: Lol.
