12:01 PM: I will use the fulfilled as fuck doc to begin the process of defining, delineating, and identifying tools for each category of goals [I created a document that listed all the things I found fulfilling in an effort to find purpose. I also hoped that it would help guide goal setting in the categories of physical health, mental health, relatioinships / comapssion, finance, and chores]. The core components of mind [mental health] are mindfulness, reason, and cognition. Compassion would fit well in the category, but currently has a somewhat ambiguous category of its own. I have labeled the third category both compassion and relationships. I will tease this out when I get to it.
It is interesting that some of my most productive journal entries were composed when I had only a few minutes to complete them. There were no moments of staring blankly at the screen. Today, I have left myself with more time to get down all the things that were bursting to get out and find myself with little to deliver.
1:30 AM (June 14): I am overall happy, but still operating with an undertone of spite that I continue to rationalize. I tell myself that such things are necessary to keep a relationship from stagnating, but I think it has more to do with wanting to demonstrate just how fucking right I am. I accept palpable discomfort for a false sense of righteous zeal and vindication that has never once been realized as I imagined. For future reference, Suzi thought I was asleep so I haven’t talked to her for a few days. I could make a better case for myself, but in the future, that is how I wish to remember it. When I read back over this in a few months or in several years, it is my hope that it will serve as a catalyst for letting go of nonsense for its own sake, rather than stubbornly holding on to anger for its own sake.
