12:51 PM: This entry will be brief as I should be leaving now to see my 1 PM patient in Martins Ferry. However, there are a few things worth getting down, even if I did not leave myself the time necessary to properly explore them. It is my intention to come back to this tonight, but I am well aware of how such intentions tend to materialize.
At my last meeting we performed a cost benefit analysis of our addictive behavior. I thought the most interesting thing in the exercise would be comparing my worksheet from six months ago with that of today. That aspect was interesting, but what was more notable is that many of the costs of my drinking (e.g., not making time for friends, missing concerts, not making it to jiujitsu, saying no to a whole plethora of opportunities) have become costs of working too many hours. I am not sure how I will ever make it to jiujitsu at this point because I keep overextending myself, and then overextending further. I did not go to the Obituary and Kreator concert a few weeks ago. I decline to hang out with Jonathan all the time, even when it seems we both need it. I am beginning to neglect so many things and I have begun a self-perpetuating cycle off disappointing myself, Josh, Jonathan, Suzi, and probably Adora (although I wouldn’t know). I fuel this steady stream of regret with the excuse of monetary necessity in similar fashion as I justified the necessity of emotional release through the bottle in the past.
April 28 made six months. A few minutes after midnight passed, after I’d “made it” six months, I found a bottle of vodka sitting at the bottom of the upstairs closet. It was just after midnight and I was walking to the bathroom. I happened to look over towards the door sitting ajar and spotted the pint of blue label Smirnoff sitting on the closet floor. [The timing was uncanny. I poured it down the bathroom sink. Several years later, I am still not sure how I did not see that bottle for six months] The fact that I have not explored this here speaks volumes as to what I am neglecting in life. And, as it turns out, I must now depart, before actualizing this experience in written word, as I really do need to go see my patient.
