I eventually caught the illness that put Adora down for three days and Suzi for over a week. Until this moment I did not realize the level of fatigue that still persists both mentally and physically. The previous sentence sat unfinished for better than five minutes and I feel myself succumbing to the seduction of slumber as I sit here, though I awoke little more than an hour ago and I’ve had more than sufficient amounts of caffeine. The fever and cough are gone and I suppose a modicum of movement may help me shed the sluggishness.
What is most notable about this spring flu is how difficult it was to put the brakes on my financial inflow. Even as I sit here now, fighting to stay focused and awake with some difficulty, it is a persistent, nagging impulse to pick up my phone and see as many home health patients as I can. With the exception of occasionally splurging on supplements or food, I buy very little for myself, yet I am profoundly distressed by the notion of not making money I could have made. Of not having maximized the inflow, gotten every little bit.
I used to play video games in the same manner. I recall thinking that if I’d attack life with the same veracity as I did my electronic fantasy world, I could accomplish near anything. However, it was far easier to strive tirelessly in Ultima Online, no matter how tedious the task, as outcomes were almost always guaranteed. If I clicked on some specific target for hours, I would acquire the necessary materials, and I would click on the materials for hours, to spend hours building the skill, that I would use to benefit a completely different character in the game. It was more difficult to muster the same level of motivation in life as the outcomes were not guaranteed. Failure was a very real prospect, which would mean that all the time and energy would have been wasted. Or at least that was the case through nine years of school. Now, I put in the time and money goes into the bank. Outcome guaranteed. It’s as if I’m power gaming life. However, the pointless perseverance also parallels that of my prior gaming proclivities. I’ve become listless and led rather than being driven and ambitious. Even in “the game” I was always building towards something.
