I smoked last night for the first time in several weeks. I do not completely regret the decision as I did not enjoy it in the way I assumed I would and it did not provide the dopamine induced catharsis that it had in the past. I felt better after eating, not smoking. I hope to keep this in mind the next time such an urge strikes me. I disposed of the rest of the pack last night and it is unlikely that I would purchase more this evening
Yesterday was a particularly long day. I drove home from Steubenville knowing that I still had several hours’ worth of notes to finish. I also had to finish prepping for the first SMART meeting that I will be hosting this evening. What sent me over the edge was a text stating that the home health company needed all my paperwork right away. Even before that call, the seed of indulgence had already been planted when I realized that I forgot my coffee cup at my last home health patient’s house and that retrieving it would cost me another half hour. I punched my steering wheel. That is the first time I’ve physically struck out at something in a long time.
I’m not sure if I found more stressful the thought of grinding out another 3 – 4 hours’ worth of documentation after an already long day or the thought of being short on sleep a few days in a row with more long days to follow. In any event, I had my first infantile temper tantrum in some time, I ended up smoking, and in the end I said fuck all and just didn’t do the home health paperwork. If I had just settled on that in the beginning, I could have avoided acting like a big bald baby and reinforcing another urge that had diminished significantly.
I will be covering a maternity leave for another company, tentatively, on March 20. It would behoove me to deliberately plan for and implement greater balance in my life.
Yesterday I felt what I assume is the stress-induced visceral sensations that ultimately result in an ulcer. Or heart disease. Today I will focus on squelching that unnecessary urgency with the necessary urgency of gratitude. I will focus on gratitude based shifts in perspective. Such a perspective shift is both urgent and necessary as it simultaneously reduces suffering and induces happiness.
