12:28 PM: I am fairing far better in reflexively perceiving every circumstance as if I have chosen it in some way. I still sometimes become overwhelmed by the sheer volume of circumstance that I’ve chosen, but refusing to play the victim goes a long way toward blunting the effects.
Yesterday I worked at two facilities plus home health visits. I finished my notes around 10 pm and finished eating at about 11 pm. Then I received a text from Chuck asking if I was near the office [I still covered weekends for the internet company, but this was a Tuesday night]. Only briefly did I feel a flash of indignation. That it was somehow unfair that I’d get that text after the day I’d had. Even in that flash, I recognized my choice in the matter. I could simply ignore the text. Then I very deliberately changed my perspective. I could invest a half-hour of my time to safeguard against the next time Chuck calls, when I’m actually supposed to be on call, and I’m working at the hospital or have decided to go out of town. Chuck dislikes going into the office after hours enough that he’ll try to keep me around knowing that I’m willing to run over to the office on a random Tuesday night. This will prolong what has essentially become a passive source of income. It aint about the money though. What is crucial here is that I shifted my mindset rather than allow disdain to snowball into an excuse to drink, out of a necessity to curb frustration or a sense of entitlement or reward. I did not indulge the idea of indulging at any point.
Today I will focus on continuing that momentum.
1:43 AM (24th): I thoroughly enjoyed my weekly catharsis and will work toward expanding and diversifying such time investments. After spending time with Josh and Jonathan, I feel that my life has more value. I am not being hyperbolic. These nights make clear the futility and ironic despondency of any degree of vocational or professional grind that lacks enthusiasm. Laughing and spending time with those whose company you enjoy quite literally makes life worth living. Ima get more of that. I will figure out times that work to spend with Adora, Suzi, and maybe a few nights a month for random friends.
I have a busy couple of days ahead of me and I have been actively combating and squelching my internal pity parties with a fair degree of success. The primary detail that causes the most stress is thinking of going several consecutive days on too little sleep. If I can prioritize sleep, I feel that I can handle the grind with grace. With that said, this must be a short term endeavor toward a specific, yet to be clearly defined, end.
