12:12 PM: I have felt a familiar fatigue over the past several days. It is the fatigue that has come with long term sobriety in the past, or the fatigue that drinking possibly masks. It is the fatigue that resulted in getting a B+ in biology in undergrad, because I simply did not have the drive (I got a 4.0 as a raging alcoholic). It is a heavy thickness in the space between my eyes. It is a warm, suffocating blanket of procrastination and stagnation. If it is the result of pushing too hard for too long, it is the anti-push. It is sitting in the computer chair for hours. It does not keep me from work, or the gym, or off the meditation cushion … just everything else. It keeps me from accomplishing anything that isn’t routine, from moving forward in any tangible way.
I will find a primary care physician and request blood work. It is possible that a dopamine dysfunction could be responsible for this apathy that threatens atrophy. Or perhaps my thyroid medication needs bumped up. Or perhaps I am rotting away from the inside out, a price to pay for not appreciating a second chance in the long term [I had a bone marrow transplant in 2005]. In any event, my current state threatens a full relapse. Not because I have any particular desire to drink, but because I have a desire to just hit baseline. It is as if I’m underwater and I just want to surface, if only for a moment, to catch my breath.
I will do my best not to squander the few days I have off. I have learned in the past that alcohol isn’t necessary to squander away my time. In fact, it has oft been easier to squander away in sobriety than inebriation.
12:56 AM (January 6): I accomplished very little except in the way of not succumbing to my deamon. I do not wish to call it a complete loss, but I do not want it to be the sole accomplishment of most days. I got in six rounds of jiujitsu and felt great overall. I spent time with Suzi and Todd. However, I smoked half a pack of cigarettes while at Todd’s. I smoked them because my time with Suzi did not go as planned. It is worth noting, that rather than throwing a fit, being an asshole, or drinking, I went to the store, picked up the things she needed, got her food at Wendy’s , cleared the snow off of and warmed up her car, set her cup of ice out, and set an alarm so that she didn’t oversleep. Perhaps the tonglen practice this morning helped.
