2:24 AM: Someone referred to the 24 – 48 hours after-effects of marijuana as “the haze.” I am not as fond of it this time around. It seems to be more inhibitive than facilitative. In any case, I cannot experiment further as it dawned on me that I could be drug tested at any time, not just at the initiation of employment with a new company. The thought dawned on me shortly after smoking last night and the absolute panic was unbearable. My resting heart rate hit 115 steady (tested with pulse ox) and accelerated higher if I recall correctly. It was both better and worse to know that I was not imagining the tachycardia.
I spent some time on the meditation cushion trying to decelerate my heart rate with marginal success. I also remember being freezing cold. I was shivering to the point of cramping. Staying warm seemed to help calm me down, at least to a point.
I have also noticed a mindset that is both foreign and familiar. Nostalgic. It is reminiscent of the mindset I possessed in my late teens and early twenties. I’m not fond of it and I hope it goes away.
While it’s possible some of my old ways of thinking combined with years of life experience could actually be a benefit, I’d sooner wager it to be a sign of regression. I find myself wondering if I said stupid things to people. And then I wonder if the things were really stupid, or if they were no more stupid than normal, and the wondering is new.
I fucked up last Saturday [when I flipped the coffee table after taking xanax]. I have been patiently taking the dose of shit I’ve earned, but it’s already becoming more difficult. I get it. I do. But the thought that life is messy and tables get overturned in normal households is becoming more persistent. I didn’t drink. I still haven’t drank. And I definitely will not take Xanax again. [I really didn’t take Xanax again]
