From an essay I wrote in undergrad called One-hundred-and-ten Days [fall of 2011 during my first nearly two year stint with sobriety]:
I have not drank since July 21st. The theological philosophy covered in this course may not have helped effect this change as I expected, but it certainly had its role in the matter. The beginning of the semester was a turbulent time in my life. I had found my “rock bottom,” and it was in this state of despair and desperation that I sought a higher power. However, I could not accept the dogma of A.A. and thus, I had to fully embrace my own efficacy for change. Clifford’s Ethics of Belief article was profoundly applicable in this regard. If belief is the foundation of behavior, I must have held some interesting beliefs about my drinking. Over the years I created a “cloud-castle of sweet illusions and darling lies” to justify it (200). I had an ethical responsibility to evaluate these beliefs, and in doing so, I was confronted with clarity. All the dissatisfactions I previously drank away were painfully apparent in my sobriety induced disillusionment. Altering my beliefs and my behaviors on such a fundamental level left me groundless and lost, and it was in the tribulations of self reflection that I found myself as my own higher power.
It is the tail end of August 22 and, after facebook informed me of the significance of the date, I was hoping to make an entry steeped in profundity that would serve as a perpetual source of inspiration. Unfortunately, in spite of having a fairly decent day, I am muddled in the mundane at the moment.
I do wonder how my life would be different if I hadn’t drank the night I was emotionally wrecked by circumstances in grad school [after working so hard to get into grad school, I was forced to leave after the first few terms due to a financial issue. The issue being the school wanted money I did not have to keep coming]. Today would mark five years sober. Would I exude so much confidence and be so ambitions that it would be difficult to contain myself? Would I be accomplishing so much more? Or is there a ceiling, and even an eventual decline? Do these traits follow an inverted U as a product of time without libations? Are such questions my back door for eventual rationalization for my next drink?
Tonight I was nearly swept away by a subtle undercurrent of rationalization. I was too tired to go to jiutisu, so I thought, “perhaps a pint is in order … it’s been about two weeks, and perhaps it’s better to indulge a pint while having a good day, so as not to use it as a coping mechanism.” I went to jiujitsu instead and I was mindful of how it felt afterwards. While taking a shower, I thought about how I’d feel right that moment if I had purchased the pint … and how I’d feel the following day. Tomorrow, I will again consider how I’d feel if I had drank, rather than going to jiujtisu and coming home to eat bison and lamb.
All of this hypothetical pondering and patting myself on the back have left me to wonder how I’d feel this very moment, if I were going into my sixth year.
