Hypothyroidism. While not the greatest news, it is drastically better than the alternative. And it explains a lot. The fatigue, the mental fog, the depression, the mood swings, the blood work … maybe more …..
This weekend was likely my most difficult fight with my deamon. I missed a call from my doctor on Friday and it was after five when I noticed. While a definite diagnosis was all but impossible, I was certain it was more ambiguity to feed my fears. Just enough information to act as a lead weight to accelerate my decent down the rabbit hole (rabbit holes do not abide by the laws of physics, and a heavier fear will fall faster).
To compound my conundrum, I was also fighting with Suzi. So this weekend I got dressed with the explicit intention of going out to purchase alcohol at least once, maybe several times. Visualizing the entire experience, from the drive, to the purchase, to the first taste, was all quite natural, as it has been each time in the imminent time frame leading up to a relapse. I was victorious, but not without cost. On Saturday evening I purchased a pack of cigarettes and have just about finished the pack Monday morning. I smoked just a few minutes ago, prior to sitting down to write this. I guess that good news is as much a trigger as bad news.
While it would have been ideal to win the good fight unscathed, the injury was insightful. Nicotine very likely provides the same dopamine I crave in a dance with my deamon. This would explain why it is effective as a substitute. It is obviously not one that I can continue using, but it was effective in the short term and I am glad that I received the news having not succumbed to the greater evil. This insight led to a little bit of research and the discovery of the Sinclair method. This involves taking Naltrexone prior to drinking to disrupt the dopamine response to the drug. I’d still get drunk, but without the warm fuzzies.
I will go to pick up the medication for the thyroid dysfunction later today. I look forward to experiencing normal, or some close semblance of it. Perhaps I will finally be able to act on the information and motivation I have been cultivating … to walk the path I’ve felt I’d recently stepped upon, but been unable to traverse.
Be happy. Don’t complain. Stay focused. I fuckin like it.
