To keep this page pointedly focused on my struggle with alcohol, I have largely omitted everything unrelated to the topic when posting my journal entries. This post, in addition to being a bit long and dull, deviates a little from that focus. I have included it as the entry summarizes some of the specific efforts I had been making to stay the course. I was making an honest effort to do all the “right things” to create a sober life and I still ultimately failed. I began drinking again within a few weeks of making this entry.
I have felt subtle stirrings of my deamon in the past few days. In an effort to keep my sword sharp, I decided to read my journal entry on my last drink. Then I kept going and read all entries in the 2014 file. There are a few things worth noting.
The last five or so entries in the 2014 file were made in the motivational depths of pulling myself up from rock-bottom. A state fueled by the ever-renewable resource of guilt-ridden self-pity. That is to say that I tended to only journal after an extreme bender, and usually only if Suzi had found me out.
The last time I quit drinking for several months the negative effects drinking had on my memory became apparent as my memory improved. Persistently focusing on the effect my deamon has on my cognitive abilities may be a stronger weapon than I thought.
I also noticed that I have implemented a lot of the changes I wrote about. I had started a 30 day journaling exercise and I dreaded reading those entires. I thought that I would be frustrated to see that I am still in the same place. However, my focus was this:
- Big rocks first
- Don’t complain
- Meditate daily (settle for 10 mins when I really feel like my time would be better spent sleeping or studying)
- Move
Even though I rarely consider Covey’s big-rocks-first metaphor specifically, it’s exactly what I have been doing, even in making these boring entries. The prioritization of mind, body, compassion, money, and chores is exactly on point [in omitted journal entries, I established a hierarchy of goals in the order listed]. I’ve been meditating daily without fuss and jiujitsu definitely covers “move” as an activity outside the weight room. It is worth noting that in the 2014 entries it was clear that I was journaling and meditating at the end of the day and they were sometimes done half-assed or neglected altogether. Now, meditating and journaling are the very first two things I do each morning.
I was also glad to be reminded of my goal of not complaining. While this exercise will have the most direct effects on my mind and compassion goals, it will have positive implications in everything I do. Don’t complain. I like it.
Regarding the cessation of complaining, I wrote:
Obviously, this isn’t a switch that is simply phenomenologicaly turned off, but rather a patient and persevering reduction. A paced volition of evaporating volatile self-perpetuating negativity.
Regarding prioritization, I wrote:
In time I will more definitively define my “big rocks.” For now, they shall broadly be defined as physical health, mental health, academics, family. It is bothersome to put academics first, but this is survival mode and I don’t have a choice. Besides, finishing the [physical therapy] program is probably the best thing I can do for my family at this point. Subdivisions such as strength training, HIIT, walking, meditation, reading on self-improvement, watching comedies, comprehensive reading, repetition work, preparation, taking walks, talking, sex, etc. may eventually be addressed.
I believe that I have more definitively defined them, if only recently. I have also finished the DPT [Doctor of Physical Therapy] program. Reading the entries about that nightmare was as interesting as it was motivating as it was terrifying. It is also some small comfort to see that, if only recently, I have begun attacking the vague, unclear objectives, the ones that will actually have some impact on my life, rather than distracting myself with the easily defined and accomplished chores.
The journaling exercise asked me to write a six word memoir:
Ceaselessly struggling, systematic static self-sabotage.
Not the most positive memoir, but it’s where I’m at at current. I feel like I’ve missed the mark on so many things; I feel that I have just enough knowledge and resources to move forward, yet steadfastly indulge static self-sabotage. I’ve stumbled into or created a lot of opportunities that belie my beginnings, yet I still find myself trudging through nihilistic sludge on the regular. Long ago, I decided to be happy (because it is good for my health), but have neglected to fully act on that decision.
I have to remind myself how relevant this still is. I feel that I am a bit farther removed from my most recent rock-bottom than I actually am. I should definitely take pride in finishing the DPT program and passing boards, and in all the progress I have made in the past several weeks, but it is important to remember just how recently I fell off the deep end and exactly how deep I fell.
It was good to be reminded that my fundamental goal and purpose is to be happy. Be happy. Don’t complain. I like it.
Very last reflection from the 2014 file:
Regarding implementing cardio on jan 3 2014: . Jiujitsu would also count if it becomes even remotely feasible to add it in after class on Tuesday.
Another stroke across the wet stone for my sword. There is only one reason jiujitsu wasn’t feasible [while I was drinking my way through grad school]. Kody was running his class late enough in the evening that I could have made it. I also did not have class at all on Wednesdays. The only reason it wasn’t feasible to make it to jiujitsu is because Tuesday was dedicated to my deamon. I don’t even want to write what I called this day [whiskey tuesdays], as I fear it will romanticize it and dull my sword. It’s been over two years since I made that entry. I’d probably be a shitty blue belt by now. At least. If I squeezed in one other day a week, maybe closer to a purple belt. What a fuckin shame.
Moving forward, I will focus on “be happy and don’t complain” in addition to what I’ve been doing.
Reflection: Over the past several days I have spent a great deal of time in compassion [as one of my five categorical goals]. Suzi was in the hospital from late Monday night until Saturday afternoon. I was with her the entire time, sleeping in a hospital chair. Many opportunities arose to practice patience, and I believe I handled them fairly well. We missed the Carcass, Testament, and Slayer concert; however, the biggest stressor was Suzi’s reaction to the MRI and her unkindliness toward the end of the stay. I had a bit of difficulty being compassionate toward Suzi after she finished the MRI. She was crying because the headphones had cut out and she felt claustrophobic. She cried for at least a half hour and I told her multiple times that she needed to calm down, that there was no real threat, and that it was over regardless. I didn’t yell at her, but I wasn’t very nice about it either. I asked her what I could do, with an undertone of frustration, and she said that she just wished I could be more understanding. The visceral, reflexive response to this was indignation. How dare she say that after everything I’d done that week. Then, I mentally stepped back and reminded myself that the danger was very real to her in the moment. That phobias cause a physiological response in those that suffer from them. That if it were someone I didn’t know, a patient of mine, that I might be more understanding of that. I also took pause to remind myself that, in addition to all the stress and pain involved in the possible appendicitis combined with definite, highly active Crohn’s, she hadn’t eaten in three or four days. I said as much outright and attempted to comfort her. If Suzi knew what a large shift that was for me internally, she may be insulted. Or perhaps she’d be happy that I capitalized on an opportunity to grow as a person.
