The following is another message sent to the same friend on the topic of sobriety.  This message was sent sometime after the novelty of not drinking had begun to wear thin. 

you know charlie, in general, and this has been true for a while, i’ve never felt quite so “tight” with an individual i’ve never actually placed a piece of myself upon.

sobriety ….

you know, there are some evenings that every ounce of effort i have goes into not doing a thing, and the very thought of trying to accomplish any actual thing, no matter how small, is pitifully overwhelming.  on a lot of these nights i actually decide to drink.  i even have my trip to the store all planned out.  i know exactly what im going to get, and i know exactly how i will lament in the libations i’ve lusted for these past 90 some days. i can taste it as i write this.  sometimes i even go to the store.  but thus far ive always returned with a monster and sushi.

i’ve also found that my time management skills were better when i was drinking.  in the past, i needed to have all of my studying, chores, lifting, etc done by 9 or 10pm, or it was cutting into my drinking time.  i was better with my time because i had to be.  now, i know that im not going to be blackout drunk later, so i’ve become very proficient in my newly acquired skill of procrastination.

ive also found that much of my procrastination is engendered in a somewhat unshakable lethargy.  not a sadness so much as an existential call to inaction.  i just cant seem to find my give-a-damn about much of anything these days.  i believe that i actually net more wasted time now than before.  usually this is accomplished on facebook and youtube, and i don’t really like either of them all that much when im sober. 

i believe this stems from the fact that i’m missing the break from the ever persistent state of feeling overwhelmed that alcohol used to afford me.  individuals who have no understanding of addictive behavior often try to help by saying drinking won’t solve your problems.  of course drinking won’t solve your problems.  but drinking does give you a break, and sometimes that break is all you need to tackle them anew.  getting shitfaced often had a cathartic effect for me … it was a reboot.  now that i dont have that, i’m just always stressed, and i fucking hate it. 

so why do i continue to not drink?  well, suzi was definitely the sole initiator to quit, and my catalyst in the first few weeks; however, i would be drinking now if she were the only reason i had not to drink.  i’m an angry and spiteful person, and when i become angry and spiteful, it is too easy to get into the mindset that i dont like living with suzi enough while sober to care if she leaves if i drink.  there’s adora, but it would be very easy to rationalize drinking because it would most likely only destroy my relationship with suzi.  i dont know that im capable of fucking up bad enough to estrange my daughter, but that isn’t to say that i haven’t done some fucked up shit while in a whiskey rage that adora saw the results of, even if she was not a witness to.

as mundane as it sounds, lifting is my main positive motivator in not drinking.  my numbers have skyrocketed in the past three months while my bodyfat percentage has slowly dropped.  my buddy said it was like i was getting noob gains all over again.  i dont have some vague notion that my life has improved since i put down the bottle, i have numbers.  i have empirical evidence, actual recorded data, that drinking is very strongly correlated with being less strong.  ive also started doing things in addition to lifting, that id have never done while i was still drinking.  ive been flipping tires, doing sledge work, hitting the bag, practicing calisthenics, doing prowler work, and incorporating speed/power work into my lifting routines for no other reason than i think they are fun, and i like being able to move again. 

my main negative reinforcer is the constant reminder of the point i had actually gotten to. that is gone, and i don’t want it back. i can’t buy into the dogma of AA, and i actually hope that i can drink again some day, but i do know that some day isn’t anytime soon.  i have to constantly remind myself that if i drank now, i’d, without a doubt, hit the ground running.  i don’t want to be the guy who loses his family to alcohol.  i said that i cannot use suzi as a motivator, but not wanting to be that guy is a far more selfish source of inspiration, and i think that sobriety has to be a selfish endeavor.  i want to accomplish a lot of things, and there’s only been one thing holding me back since i was 13 or so, and i was such a functional alcoholic that i didn’t realize how much i was being held back until i quit.  in lifting ive seen how much more im capable of when im not swimming with a lead weight.  or lifting with a lead weight.  in addition to the iron weight.  or something.    

it is now after 3am and it is getting more difficult to semi-coherently string my random thoughts on the topic together so i will wrap this up, but i do have more to say, and i would be happy to say it, if you’d be interested in hearing it at any point.  i didn’t mean to paint a dismal picture of my sobriety … there is a lot of good in addition to better numbers in the gym that i didn’t get into … i just wanted to make it clear that i didn’t start splooging rainbows and sunshine once i set the bottle down (though my dick does work a lot better now, which is nice).  im also always the one to say, “if you’ve made it this far . . .” but you have already done that, and i will let you have it.  so instead i will say, that i apologize in advance for the second monstrosity that i will likely write about all the reasons why i think a break would be beneficial for anyone who has remotely considered it.  i would have done so tonight, but tonight was actually a difficult night with it all, so i vented more than anything. 

also ….i realize that i used lament incorrectly.  i meant to go back to that and forgot.  i was looking for a synonym for relish that started with an L, but it never came to mind.  i even checked the thesaurus just now, as it was bugging me, and i think i was thinking of a word that does not exist.